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VOL 5 NO 16 Christmas Special Issue! 15th December 2006

Minister Gives The Works to the Poor Peoples who are otherwise Not Having the Works! Engrishy: Whoops! Proctalgia fugax! Sinhala: Aiyo! Magé Puka! (Latin: Proctalgia fugax=Transient pain in the arse Sinhala: Puka=Arse, bum, buttocks) Minister Shafts Constituent! Baas Andit! by our corr. Jayantha Vimukthi Passawadana for SCN Punchi Borella Today a prominent Minister of the Crazy Republic by the name of Dee Moo Jayaratne, (left) was caught indulging in a not unnatural act with one of his constituents. Whilst the victim has not suffered permanent damage to his nether regions, it is thought that he might be unable to sit down for weeks. Proctalgia Fugax The Minister's claim that he was only trying to cure the poor man's piles was widely accepted by a nation which accepts anything that Ministers say...... Metaphorical shafting of the poor people(s) backends by the so called Ministers is a normal practice in the Crazy Rajapakisstan... Lanka Government Recruits Child Soldiers Shock Inspite of protesting that the LTTE were recruiting child soldiers the Sri Lankan Garment itself has now been exposed of recruiting child soldiers. This picture, whilst seemingly innocent, shows the extent to which the Garment is descending by the pisicological...er...psychological, sub-minimal...er sub-liminal tactics in recruiting babies not yet out of their nappies...(Will that do Editor, Sir!? You are sacked! - M. Rajapaksse)

VOL 5 NO 15 Fat Moustache Special Issue! 27th November 2006

Fat Ars* With Moustache Makes Fiery Speech Shock! by our corr. Muruga Vadivelupondicherry with coconut shell full of Palmyrah Toddy (SCN Vanni 27-11-2006) Fat Git With Moustache Makes Fiery Speech Today, a fat arse with a moustache by the name of Velupillai Prabhakaran Kottakelengu who happens to be the self-proclaimed leader of a bunch of brigands in the north of Glorioush Sri Lanka, made a fiery speech. Smelling strongly of Gingelly oil and asafoetida (perumkayam) thish man said that his men will one day open a new hotel in Yalpanam and fly a flag with a Tiger on it. His speech (right) was as follows: "Ennadah! Vanakkam neram moondu mani! Palmyrah toddy (hic!) kondu vaanga! Enna varatham? Omanthai Velvettithurai Chelvanayagam karavadu wellawattai manipuri sari masala vaddai thosai meenachi konjum konjum! Ennadah! Pathi ombadu panathipatha veramani sicca padang.....(You are drunk! - Ed) More to follow.........come back to the Pol -Thel! "Under Every Eelam Tiger's Tail Is An A**hole!" In the year two thousand and three a famous wit by the name of Pragnasekera Pranagochara Pragnaratne of Pragnagammana in the Bintenna District uttered the famous words (in Sinhala) "Hema Eelam Koti Valigayak Yatama Pukak Etha!" which when translated to Engrishy means the above i.e "Under each tail is a Tiger ars*hole". Thish is a rather profound concept in that previously most intellectuals were of the opinion that every ars*hole had a tail!By directing his research towards tails instead of a**holes the learned Professor was able to.............to be continued Left: Crude illustration of a Eelam Tiger showing tail and ars*hole

VOL 5 NO 14 Budget Special Issue! 17th November 2006

You Are Sacked Ed! President's B'day wrongly reported: Dinamina Editor removed (Lanka e News- Nov. 21, 8.00 p.m.) The Editor of Dinamina Mr. C. Dodawatta was removed from his post with immediate effect yesterday. Though the authorities have not given any reason, unofficial sources report that Dodawatta was removed for reporting the Presidents Birthday incorrectly (Shurely shome mistake - Ed) Man With Moustache Finds New Airport! Man With Moustache Finds New Airport In The Deep South For The Benefiting Of The Non-Colombo Types! by our corr. (Ms) Hambantotage Guvangamani Dias-AirlankAmarawardena (SCN Punchi Borella 20-11-2006) Today a man-with-a-maroon-scarf-around-his-neck digging a field in a place called Weerawila Airport in the "Deep South" of Crazy Sri Rajapakhstan found an ancient foundation stone (Sel Lipi) which indicated that Weerawila was once a site of an ancient airport during the times of ancient Kings. This conclusively proves the existence of air travel in the form of the "Dandu Monara" Airways. This is very, very, very, very...well recorded in the Ramayana comic book. The finding of this stone is akin to finding the sluice at Sorabora Wewa. As everyone knows nothing much has been done in Sri Lanka since the Ancient Sri Lankan Kings established a fine infrastructure (That ish a big word Editor, Sir!) The man, who happens to be the President of Sri Rajapakshtan, needs to be congratulated.... (Will that do Editor Sir, to keep the disgruntled populace happy?..... You are grounded! - Ed) MORE Nov 17 (AFP) Sri Lanka is set to borrow heavily abroad and at home in a bid to finance a record 2.18-billion-dollar budget deficit next year as defence spending jumps 45 percent The Presenting of the Budget of the Glorius Republic of Rajapakshtan for the Not Benefitting of the Common Man Lankans Celebrate Budget Day! The Presenting of the Budget of the Glorius Republic of Rajapakshtan for the Not Benefitting of the Common Man by our Political Correspondent Moneydasa Rupeesinghe Today, the people of the Glorioush Republic of Sri Raja...er...I mean...Sri Lanka celebrated another Budget Day. This colourful and tradishional ceremony starts off when a man calling himself "Minister of Finance" walks into Parliament with a brief case and declares the country bankrupt ("bungkolloth") and everyone then shouts "Ado Parippuwa" at him. The ceremony changed slightly recently. Now a man calling himself "President" walks into parliament etc.... Latest Knews: Government Not Sure How Many Ministers Are In Cabinet Shock Eka! From South East Asian Media : "He said even ministers were unaware of the size of the cabinet today. Handunnetti requested House Leader, Nimal Siripala de Silva and Senior Minister John Seneviratne to give the number of cabinet ministers of their government. However, the duo did not respond to him." MORE Google Offers To Buy Sri Lanka! by our corr. Billiam Gates of California With assets over $ 2234 shillion, Google today offered to buy Sri Lanka. With the sort of money they earn everyday, Google can now run Sri Lanka. Said Bryn Whatsisname, the President of Google Corp "Gee Whizz! We spend more than that buying companies like You Tube. We never actually thought of buying any real estate. We are glad that Crazylanka alerted us! We will soon be having talks with your President Borat of Sri Lanka"

VOL 5 NO 13 Geneva Handshake Issue! 30th October 2006

Above: Sacha Baren Cohen as Mahinda Rajapakse, President of Kazakhstan NEW FILIM: Man In Moustache About the Visitings To the Glorious Untied States Of America For The Benefiting Of The Sri Lanka! Above: Mahinda Rajapakse as Sacha Baren Cohen, President of Sri Rajapkzhstan World's Most Expensive Handshake! Another SriLankan First! by our corr. Chinthana Rajappa of Geneva In an inspiration to the rest of the world, the diminishing...er...diminutive...er...the small country of Sri Rajapakistan went down in the record books as the only country in the world to make a simple handshake an expensive business. Two men from the Crazy Republic travelled all the way to Geneva just to shake hands. One of the men , known as Tamil Ennadah was dressed in a black suit and had forty-two teeth. The other man known as Nimal Aiyo Siripala de Silva was dressed in a dirty brown suit. The whole proceeding was supervised by a man called Erik Solheimsekera. "It was an exciting moment" said a spokesperson. "First they both extended their right hands although Mr Aiyo Sripala had some difficulty in working out which was his right hand. Someone then shouted 'Buth Kana Atha Yakko!' which means 'The hand you eat rice with!' and Mr Aiyo got it right. They then clasped their hands! The whole thing lasted 1.5 seconds only but it was a glorious moment for Sri Lanka." he added. Analysts confirm that this was indeed the most expensive handshake in the world......more later

VOL 5 NO 12 We Love Jacqueline Fernandez Issue! 21st September 2006

Miss Sri Lanka Is Lorenzo de Almeida's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Granddaughter Shock! by our corr. Deshapremi Deshawansa from the Mount Lavinia Hotel Eka exclusively for The Daily Pol-Thel (SCN 21-09-06) Scarred Arm! Aiyo! Photo: Dominic Sansoni. (with apologies) Apologies also to the lovely Miss Fernandez. We at Crazylanka wish her well and hope she has a sense of humour! Shocking news emerging today indicated that "Beauty Queen" Miss Sri Lanka, Miss Jacqueline Fernandez, is not Sinhalese but a descendant of the hated foreigners who invaded our Glorioush country in 1505. Research carried out by me convincingly prove that she is the great-great-great...(That'sh enough great! - Ed) granddaughter of Lorenzo de Almeida. Aiyo, how can she become "Miss Sri Lanka"? Maybe "Miss Portugal"! Why the organisers not spot the foreign name? Why no pure Sinhala girl not given title? When JVP come into power....(That'sh enough racist rhetoric! - Ed) Scarred Arm! Aiyo, she also has an ugly vaccination scar on her left upper arm! You call that beauty? Ah?And what she trying to do to that coconut tree? Jackie loves coconut trees! WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Phew Wot A Scorcher! Miss Sri Lanka Forgets To Wear A Skirt On The Catwalk! Today, Miss Sri Lanka, Miss Jacqueline Fernandez stepped into the catwalk but absent-mindedly forgot to wear a skirt! CLICK Correction: Miss Sri Lanka, Miss Jacqueline Fernandez, wants us to make it clear that the circular scar on the outer aspect of her left upper arm is not a vaccination scar but a bullet wound sustained when she was fighting for her country. We apologise profusely for any embarrassment that our misinterpretation may have caused her. - Ed Lankan Man With Moustache Visits Cuba By our corr. Fidel Castrowansa from Havana sitting in Hotel Floridita and sipping a Cuba Libre (SCN 21-09-06) Today, a Sri Lankan man with a hideous moustache but with a lovely wife without a moustache visited Cuba in search of the real Che Guevara who's remains are now in Santa Clara, Cuba. This man is known to be an associate of the immitation Che Guevaras of Sri Lanka who go under the name Janatha Violent Party (JVP). Sri Lankan Man Visits America! Today, a Sri Lankan man with a hideous moustache and a maroon-coloured noose round his neck visited America and met a clown. This is the first time that a Sri Lankan man with a hideous moustache and a maroon-coloured noose round his neck has visited America and met a clown.... More "Man From Sri Lanka" News Coming Soon Other News About A Man Who Didn't Go To America Man Saves For A Month To Buy A Coconut: Today, a Sri Lankan man managed to buy a coconut after saving money for a month. "I had to work so hard to buy a coconut, I think I will deposit it in a bank!" said R. M . Muthubanda of Hasalaka near Mahiyangana...

VOL 5 NO 11 Blair Help Eka 1st September 2006

Angry commuters go berserk by Ananda Kannangara Sunday KnObserver (3-9-2006) Angry train commuters went berserk and attacked the Mt. Lavinia Railway station and the station master last morning as the Colombo bound Ruhunu Kumari express train from Matara failed to stop at Mt. Lavinia. The station master who sustained injuries was rushed to the Kalubowila hospital. He said thereafter, the passengers had pelted stones at the express train and caused damages (sic-Ed) Badly Damaged Ruhunu Kumari (note undamaged buffers!) Sri Lankan Queen Attacked By Idiot Commuters! by our corr. Dumri Sevakaratne (SCN Mount Lavinia Railway Istation Eka, second Coca-Cola beach shack 3-9-2006) Aiyo! Today idiot crazy commuters of the Crazy Republic of Rajapakksa attacked a famous Queen of Sri Lanka by pelting her with stones. Ruhunu Kumari (aka Vihara Maha Devi) is a famous Queen of Sri Lanka who for over 50 years helped office workers from Matara get to Colombo and back everyday! Aiyo why attack her? Aiyo what ish this country coming to? Ish nothing sacred? ??..... etc (Will that do Editor Sir? Mahattaya?) (You are off the rails! - Ed) The Queen as she normally looks like! (Note nice curves! Cor!) Total Disaster: Tony Blair Helps War Effort! Tea and Bunfight at OK Corral! by our corr. Buckinghamshirewattage Sunil (SCN Waterloo Station, London 1-9-2006) Today the Sri Lankan Garment's war against terrorism was dealt a major blow when the prestidigitous Pry Minister of London, Tony Blairwansa, offered to help. The Blair's efforts in the Middle East has left a lot to be desired and the last thing the Garment of Sri Lanka should want is his help eka! What is thish crazy guy Rajapakssa doing asking for the Blair's help eka? No More Dollars Left! At a secret meeting at the Blair's Lair, Blair showed Sri Lankan Presidente Mahinda ("John Wayne") Rajapassa how to fight and offered him a cup of tea but said "Sorry Machang! I need the money to fight my own Blair's War! Do comeback anytime for a cup of tea and a good bunfight! Now go back home like a good chap!"

VOL 5 NO 10 Peace Rally Fight Eka 18th August 2006

El Presidente Moustache Clones Himself Shock Eka! scroll down! Latestest: Lanka Catholic Church Welcomes Return Of Churchgoers! by our corr. Pallisekera Palliyawatta (SCN Moonomallai 22-08-2006) With the recent fighting in the North of Sri Lanka causing major difficulties to all concerned the only beneficiary to emerge is the Catholic Church. With hundreds of refugees taking shelter in churches the church collection has broken all records. "We have seen congregation numbers dwindle over the years and our church coffers were almost empty but then we had a sudden influx of the faithful because of the resumption of the war" said Rev. Jesudasan Mariyadas of the Parish Church of Our Lady of the Eelam War at Ondurendumoondu. "I can remember the times when the Sunday collection amounted to only Two rupees and six Sharona bottle caps. Last week we had twenty five rupees and two Coca Cola bottle caps which is an improvement!" he added. "War focuses their religious beliefs! I think the war should continue. Afterall there were a lot of wars in the Bible and God did most of the smiting!.................." War Picture Library Warmonger shouting Disputed robe See bigger pic Red shirt vs Yellow robe All pics above and extreme right: AP Photo/Gemunu Amarasinghe Used without permission but with a link to AP Warmongers Fight Peacemongers Shock! By our corr. Shantha Dhantha Wardena (SCN Mariakade 18-08-2006) War And Peace Today there was a very, very, very, very ,very...(That'sh enough very very! - Ed) unusual fight eka in Colombo when supporters of the War had a fight eka with the supporters of the Peace. Those involved included the usual: Buddhist monks, Catholic Priests, Nuns and Red-shirted Loony Lefties. "It was a good fight eka!" said Deshapremi Dhesharatne of Baseline Road. "I had a Buddhist monk by the neck at one stage but a Policeman then hit me on the head with a baton eka! So I bit the Policeman's finger! It tasted very, very bad, by the way! Anyway, it was a good fun day ekak and we must have this sort of thing more often! It is good for the tourism! I saw a few for...forigin..er..foriginers...Suddho.. taking my photo eka!" he added proudly. The Ministry of Tourism said that they plan to hold such events all over the country every month for the benefit of tourists....(contd on page 127) Eelam Child Soldiers Both Sides Use Children Shock! by our correspondent Lady Ridgeway-Hospital (SCN Borella 18-08-2006) Today the NSPCC accused both sides of using children in the War/Peace efforts. " It is bad when the Eelamese use six-month old babies as soldiers but it is equally bad when that Peace lot use children to carry placards in the hot sun..." a spokesperson said on the grounds of anonymousity (Shurely, "anonymity" ? - Ed) "Those two tamil boys lost all four of their feet in a landmine explosion and the little boy in the saffron robe was later treated for dehydration and also a minor head injury caused when a stone hit him! Thish is Child Cruelty!" he further added....(contd on page 85) Lanka Child Peace Soldiers Propaganda War News Sri Lanka Army using Flamethrowers Lanka Army Now In Total Control of Jaffna! In the fearsome fighting in Jaffna the Sri Lankan Army killed 2341 terrorists including a small cat who was accidentally shot (It was a Tamil cat anyway!). Only two soldiers are missing but presumed alive in another life......etc Eelam Army Now In Control Of Yalpanam! In the fierce fighting in Yalpanam the Eelam Freedom Fighters killed 2531 Sri Lanka Army soldiers and one cow by the mistake. (Ennadah! It was only a Sinhalese cow anyway!) Only two and a half of our fighters are missing but presumed alive.......etc Eelam Army using Cheenapatas type multi rocket launchers Cloned Rajapassa: Hitler Youth? El Presidente Clones Himself Shock! by our science corr. Prof. Vidyapala Vidyaratne of the University of Bintenna Today, the illustrated...er...illustrious President of Sri Crazylanka, His Majesty Mahinda Moustache Rajapassa the First, cloned himself for posterity and in case of any attempts on his life. Whilst other Dictators such as Sadam Hussein and Adolf Hitler had doubles for their protection, El Presidente opted for a more scientific process of cloning himself using the advanced technique of DNA PCR Amplification Integration. Basically, a bit of DNA was taken from El Presidente's distinctive maroon scarf and was subjected to..(contd on page 23..contd on page 23..contd on page 23..contd on page 23..contd on page 23..contd on page 23..contd on page 23..contd on page 23..........

VOL 5 NO 9 Mutur War Issue 4th August 2006

President Rajapassa Has Conference Whilst Mutur Is Burning War Starts! Oh! What A Glorious War! People Celebrate With Rockets by our war corr. Gin'n'tonic Dasa reporting from a posh hotel in Colombo (SCN 4-8-06) Today the Glorious Republic of Sri Rajapakse inaugurated a war in a God forsaken place called Mutur. Many people had been praying for a war after years of boring Peace! "Aiyo! Who wants Peace? War is more useful for the economy of the country and myself" said a man who wanted to remain anony-mouse. "I am the major string hopper supplier to the Army!" he proudly added. Meanwhile, thousands of rockets, Roman Candles and firecrackers of the Cheena Pattas type were employed gloriously lighting up the night sky! Thousands of lives were saved when not many people got killed. Meanwhile His Majesty President Rajapakse the First had a conference in Colombo (left). Propaganda War News Sri Lanka Army Many Tiger Terrorists Killed! Only One Soldier Lost! In the fearsome fighting in Mutur the Army killed 228 and-a-half Tiger cadres many of them child soldiers. Only one soldier was lost. Our brave soldiers fired rockets killing the Tigers......etc Many Soldiers Killed. Only One Eelam Fighter Lost! In the fierce fighting in Mutur the Eelam Freedom Fighters killed 253 Sri Lanka Army soldiers many of them child soldiers. Only one Eelam fighter was lost. Our brave.......etc Eelam Army

VOL 5 NO 8 Apologetic War Issue 29th June 2006

Tiger Apology Of No Use To Rajiv Gandhi by our corr. Velupillai Paithiyansingham (SCN Greater Vanni 27-06-2006) Rajiv Refuses To Come Back To Life Today, inspite of a gushing tearful apology from a Tiger, the late Rajiv Gandhi refused to come back to life. Earlier, the Tiger spokesperson had said "Very Shorry! Verry Verry Shorry and more shorry! (That'sh enough "shorry"! - Ed) but we made a sherious mistake when we killed him! We thought we could easily bring him back to life and so we killed him. A genuine mistake. Ennadah! It could happen to any terrorist organisation......." ******** However, the late Rajiv Gandhi was adament and refused to come back to life. "Those idiots are crazy! I don't want to get blown up and killed again and so I prefer to stay dead" said Rajiv in an exclusive interview with the Daily Pol-Thel....(Are you making thish up? - Ed) Other Apologies An Austrian gentleman by the name of A. Hitler apologised for starting the Second World War. Apologies were also recieved from Saloth Sar (aka Pol-Pot) of Cambodia (but the number of people killed is such that individual apologies will take some time!)......Jack The Ripper, Al-Queda, Taliban and the JVP...... Lanka Bans Coconut Bra Shock! by Pol Martin Aiya, (our corr in an amude in a coconut shack drinking Toddy out of a coconut shell) Above: Nice figure! Pity about the Pol Katu! Above: Idiot man wearing coconut bra! CLICK IMAGE Today, the CrazyRepublic banned the sale and or wearing of bras, bikini tops or other type of garb offensive to coconut trees. Previously, the country protested against some Bikinis which were offensive to some people. The country spends most of the time promising to ban something or the other. The latest action was prompted by the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Coconuts). President of the NSPCC, Mrs Nucifera Polgaswatte (left) who once adopted a baby coconut said......and the Minister of Coconuts said that he fully agreed "The Coconut Tree is sacred to Sri Lankans! After all where would we get Toddy and Arrack from if not for the coconut"...and hoped he will get more votes banning coconut bras..etc. Next: Coconut Tapping To Be Banned! Shock (Readers will find more coconut bra pics in Google picture search! - Ed)

VOL 5 NO 7 No War Issue 24th June 2006

Aiyo Why No Blood? Woman Complains About Lack of Violence! Today, a SriLankan woman complained about the lack of violence in Crazy SriLanka. "Look at thish curtains! They are not blood stained no? Why is my house not blood stained when all my neighbours have blood stains everywhere? This is not fair! I need some bloodshed too! Why doesn't somebody throw grenades into my house? They no like me? If they like me they should throw grenades into my house. I want grenades thrown into my house! Only the other day my nextdoor neighbour found two human heads in her back garden. I looked everywhere in my garden hoping to find dead bodies, and you know what? All I found was a dead mouse! Thish is not fair. Start the war!" Other Violent Knews: Terrorists refer to other terrorists as "terrorists" shock! Today, a spokesterrorist for the Janatha Violent Party (JVP) refered to Tamil Tiger Terrorists as "Terrorists" completely and conveniently forgeting their own violent past... Totally disregard the news being displayed on any site other than the Daily News! We are a totally Independent non-Garment controlling..er..controlled.. media shite! Crazylanka is a foreign evil power trying to take over our glorioush country ads by Gaaaargle Don't advertise on this shite! Totally enjoy the news broadcast by the Daily Pol-Thel as we are not controlled by the Garment, the Tigers, NGOs, The Vatican, The JVP Pol-Pots nor by the United Fruit Company of Costa Rica (Washington DC)! ads by Gaaaargle Interfering Norwegians! War Process Stalls Due To Peace Efforts Shock! by our corr. Jathika Helaurumawansa SCN Jawatte Cemetary Eka, Colombo 24-06-2006 Schokingly shocking news emerging from the Crazy Republic of SriLanka indicated that the War Process was being sheriously compromisings...er...compromised and hampered (That'sh two big words in one sentence Sir!) by the so called Piss...er...Peace Efforts. In a country which has been at war for thousands of years the stinking peace efforts came as a unwelcome change. Having seriously invested in the War Infrastructure, both the Garment of Sri Crazylanka and the terrorist Tamil Tigers were unwilling to compromise years of hard work to a Peace Effort. I am not Prabhakaran! I am Jim Corbett's Tiger skin rug! Above: A dead Tiger peacemonger Right: A Leftist peacemonger "What are we going to fight if thish war ends ?" asked a member of one of the Armed Forces who agreed to talk to Srilanka Crazy News (SCN) on the grounds of anonymity. "We have an experienced fighting force which justs wants to go to war and get killed. We don't want peace! We want to fight!" His opposite number in the Crazy Eelam Tamil Tiger Forces, Ponniah Masalavaddai, echoed the same view. "Ennadah! Ennaku payithiam! Muruga vadivelu kotta kellengu karavadu pottuvil nagarkovil ondu erendu moondu....!" (I wish I had learnt shome Tamil before writing this rubbish Sir!)(That'sh enough Tamil! - Ed) It is generally understood that the war effort is being hampered by the interfering Norwegians who are only here to enjoy a free holiday in a nice country......(contd for another 2000 years) Parliament Observes One Minute of Noise Today, the Crazyparliament of Sri Lanka set a new something-or-the-other by observing two minutes of NOISE instead of two minutes of SILENCE! In general, the opinion of most people of Sri Lanka is that parliament should observe total silence...noise...silence...Noise...shut up! ...wahapiya Kata!...ado!... Parippuwa...ennada!..Para balla...(That'sh enough expletives! - Ed)..... LINK Photo Feature Eka (Left)Lanka Politicians on the way to the Parliament! (Note: The politicians are at the front of the cart and have four legs!) (Right) Latest accessory for female Tigers or Tigresses (What'sh a nice girl like you doing with Tigers like thish? - Ed) Cyanide Girlie? (Ennadah! Clicking of the image here!) MORE NON-WAR NEWS HERE SOON!

VOL 5 NO 6 Che Guevara Birthday Issue 14th June 2006

Heartbreaking News Eka: Trains Collide At Kalutara Without No Any Help Eka From Tigers! by our corr. Al Shabdi Fowzie (SCN Ministry of Transportations 14-06-06) Toddy...er...I mean Today... two trains collided at Kalutara Railway Station Eka when the Galle bound train was hit in the backside eka by the Matara bounding..er...bound train causing Aiyo, Aney, Appoy types of screams from the unfortunate passengers etc ......there was clear evidence of non-involvement of Tigers. Basically, the whole infrastructure-eka (Thatsh a big word eka, Editor shir!) is in such a mess eka that we don't need Tigers to destroy Apé Rata Eka! Meanwhile....(contd on page 45) Daily Pol-Thel Exclusive! Birthday Boy Che Guevara Alive And Well At 78 Today Shock! by our corr. Beardo Weerawansawathie (SCN Hyde Park Rally Eka, Colombo 14th June 2006) Ernesto Guevara Born June 14, 1928 Rosario, Argentina Died October 9, 1967 La Higuera, Bolivia (with apologies!) Aquí se queda la clara, la entrañable transparencia, de tu querida presencia Comandante Che Guevara. Happy Birthday Dear Che..ay! Happy Birthday To You! There was widespread jollity, shock, awe and "Pissu the Machang?!" when the World, and in particular the Crazy Republic realised today was the 78th Birthday of Dr. Ernesto "Che" Guevara de la Serna of Argentina last seen alive in Colombo, Crazylanka. The famous revolutionary not only played a role as a Major in the Cuban Revolucion but also the non-Revolucion in Bolivia. Most people believe that Che died in Bolivia but the Daily Pol-Thel can reveal today that Che is alive and well in Srilanka smoking Cuban cigars and drinking specially imported Cuban Rum in a country where no alcohol is not allowed! (Shurely, Not "No Alcohol is Not allowed"?- Ed) Che arrived in the Crazy Republic in the 1970s and organised a disastrous La Revolucion under the name of the Janatha Violent Party (JVP) who are now in the present Garment... Wisely, Che himself decided that a quiet life in C7 with a rum, a cigar and a local tart was much preferable to being assasssssssinated by the CIA...(contd on page 92) Leftist: Che in his heyday in Cuba and Right: Che relaxing in Colombo 7 You can't put a good revolushionary down! Che! 40 years on and shtill alive! Too much Arrack..er...Ron, Women and Song? Other News click image JVP Forget To Celebrate Che's 78th Birthday Shock! Pol-Pots Ignore Important Day! by our corr. Totally Batty Weerakone SCN 15-06-2006 Shocking news emerging from the Crazy Republic of SriLanka indicate that the local Pol-Pots forgot to celebrate the 78th Birthday of Ernesto "Che" Guevara. click image Australian Lanka Girl Has 42 Teeth! A Srilankan born Australian girl (left) Danthani Danthawardena is reputed to have a record number of teeth for a human. At last count she had 42 teeth, marginally less than that of a Great White Shark, but like with sharks she seems to produce more teeth every week. As such the locals, as well as the foreigner-tourist-type persons were deprived of the usual colourful red shirts, the banners and the typically Sri Lankan cultural events such as Hurling of the Insults, Hurling of the Stones and Hurling of the Tear Gas. A disappointed skimpily clad young gorgeous British tourist with the white skin, Miss. Lushcia Titmuss said " I am very disappointed like. The travel Agent like told me like it would be fun in like in Crazy Republic like..but like...and I come here like.. and I find...er....like....." (That'sh enough "like" in one sentence like!-Ed) (contd on page 103) "I am at my wit's end!" said her long-suffering mother "Aiyo Darlink! What can I do? Thish girl is costing us a fortune in Dental bills and Dentists don't come cheap here in Melbourne. After she bit the last dentist, who lost his little finger, insurance has also gone up Aney! My husband, spends all day drinking Foster's Lager and is totally useless. His moda suggestion eka is to hit her in the face with a sledgehammer and knock all her teeth out! She sometimes does deserves it! All she does is put make up and pose for pictures....." (contd next week eka)

VOL 5 NO 5 Da Moustache Code Issue 25th May 2006

I Ran Mad Ha? Ask A Jap!.........This is an anagram of the name of a famous Sri Lankan actor. Solve it and WIN a Zillion Rupees!

El Presidente is a lot smater than George W. Bush Shock! Click for archives LATEST KNEWS: Mad Vatican Mullahs and Oppressive Government Ban Good Film Shock! COLOMBO (AP) - Sri Lanka has banned screenings of "The Da Vinci Code'' in theaters (sic!) and local television channels following an appeal by the country's Catholic Bishops Conference, a state-run daily said Thursday. President Mahinda Rajapaksa ordered the ban on the film on Wednesday, the Daily News reported. More Crazyness! New Hundred Rupee Note Launched. Worth less than a Bog Roll! Today the Central Bank launched a new Rs100 banknote (left). However, because of galloping inflammation..er...inflation it is now worth less than a toilet roll and you get more sheets of paper in a toilet roll. The non-desperate not poor people of the Crazy Republic were not trying to add zeros to the new bank notes. COMING SOON!: The Rs 1000000000 bank note! (That'sh enough zeros! - Ed) Mona Rajapakssa the man with the enigmatic smile ....er...moustache! Following the box office success of the film Da Silva Code readers have asked us to publish a pic of the famous Mona Moustache. Click the image for a large print which could be framed.

Major Sri Lankan Actor Gets Role In Da Vinci Code Film! Fails To Find Holy Grail! Bigger image! A story of misguided Religious zeal, Unholy Alliances, Religious groups influencing politics and double and triple crossings! by our Hollywood corr. Ron Howardwardena in a cheap bar wearing a cheap suit (SCN Hollywood) Today there was jubilation in the Crazy Republic when one of our Greatest Actors appeared in the latest Hollywood blockbuster "The Da Vinci Code" in the role of Mona Lisa. Mona Rajapkse, the Man With The Enigmatic Smile, appears alongside Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou . Previously he has acted alongside Marilyn Monroe and Jayalalitha. Meanwhile, the Crazy Republic is rapidly descending into a War Film and the country is being run by influential groups, drug dealers and Pol-Pots.......The Garment is yet to find the Holy Grail of everlasting peace! Left: Tom Hanks, Audrey Tattoo and MGR, Right: Book cover of De Silva Code by Danapala Bandara Da Silva Code by Dan Bandara Other News Che Guevara does badly at elections shock! JVP routed in Lankan local elections again May 22 (Hindustani Times) The radical Marxist and Sinhala nationalist Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna (JVP) which was routed in the first phase of the Sri Lankan local bodies elections held on March 30, continued its dismal run in the second phase held on May 20. Left: Che Weerawansa Un-Holy Grails Buried In War Zone Shock! Man Dies in landmine blast! Today an archaeologist looking for the Holy Grail had both legs blown off in the war-torn Republic of Crazylanka when he dug up a landmine. His last words were "Holy Shit!" The Holy Grail, also known as "The Peace Process" now seems to be a total myth and is now derisively known as "The Piss Process"!.....(You have done that joke before! - Ed). Man Eater of Vanni Killed by Jim Corbett Today a prominent man-eating tiger by the name of Ramanan Aiyah was killed by a famous tiger hunter. Me! This particular tiger had caused a lot of hardship to the poor local people. So I shot him.

VOL 5 NO 4 Paper Boat War Issue 11th May 2006

My little Pol Putha! Crazy Tourist Adopts Coconut! Today a crazy tourist woman decided to adopt a coconut! "I came all this way to adopt an orphan but ran into a lot of red tape with the idiotic government" said Ms. Coco Nuciferowski of Krakow sitting on Hikkaduwa beach and breast feeding the coconut. "So I adopted a dahling little coconut. He was 10 pounds 2 oz at birth and cost me just Rs30! They were about to husk him and split him open but I intervened in the nick of time! At the moment I am breast feeding him but very soon I will put him on coconut milk. I met his father who is quite straight and tall. A lot of coconuts were orphaned because of the Tsunami. I am glad I could help." Adopt A Coconut! Join the NSPCC (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Coconuts.)

No War But Fighting Starts! Boys Enjoying Themselves! by our corr. Lingam Mahalingam SCN Point Pedro with additional reporting by Jathika Helaurumasiri SCN Punchi Borella (11-05-2006) The Sri Lankan ceasefire was holding in spite of war breaking out in the waters off Jaffna. In spite of biased reporting by the world media, SCN Sri Lanka Crazy News can categorically say that the war has not broken out! A Crazylanka Navy Cruiser off Negombo A few firecrackers were thrown about and a few paper boats were sunk but the children throughly enjoyed themselves. " We need to do this more often!" said 10-year-old Lingam Murungalingam. "Ennadah! A Sinhala boy just launched a paper boat and I threw one stone and sunk it. He then threw a firecracker at me but it fell in the water and didn't go off!" "Thish Tamil boy tried to attack my paper boat with a stone!" said 11-year-old Lanka Weerawansa. "I retaliated by throwing a lighted firecracker at him which frightened him causing him to wet his trousers! Ha! Ha!" "War is fun!" they both said..... The children were being monitored by Norwegian nannies who have absolutely no child-minding skills! "How can a country which has never really fought a war superwise a war?" asked Che Weerawansa a Marxist Leftist Pol-Pot Beardo who wants to fight the war single handedly. Che Weerawansa has absolutely no experience in fighting a war! Other War Related News Crazylanka Patrol Boats Crazylanka fighter bomber CrazyLanka launches paper planes in Vanni! Today some naughty Sinhalese boys started throwing paper planes in class at their Tamil classmates. The class teachers were powerless to do anything because that would have violated the Fundamental Rights of the boys. The planes however avoided civilian areas. Norwegian Referee Dies! A Norwegian Referee by the name of Trond Furhovaddai died today and will be sadly missed by all the kids that he used to supervise. Trond had been in Sri Lanka at least on three occasions and inspite of the protests of a naughty boy called Weerawansa managed to keep some control over the ongoing match between CrazyLanka vs Crazy Eelam................ SERIOUS LINK: about Trond Furuhovde's death What a land battle would look like... The SLMM has produced the following 'worse-case scenario' re. the impending war... Left: CrazyLanka Army Right: CrazyEelam Army Keep Tuned In To Crazylanka Dot Com for more War Knews! As and when It Doesn't Happen! CrazyEelam Navy. CrazyEelam fighter bomber

VOL 5 NO 3 Butterfly Wings Tissue 5th May 2006

Latest Knews: Major Germicidal...er...Genocidal things happening in the Aknal Irs (once known as Sri Lanka). Major reversal needed. Country to be renamed as Aknal Irs... Crazylanka re-brands itself as Aknalyzarc! Shock? or is it Kcohs?

CRICKET NEWS Bad teeth! Murali Buys Dental Hospital Shock Our corr. Dantha Waidyasekera SCN 9-5-2006 Sri Lankan cricket ace and bowling legend Murali today shocked the world of Dental Health by paying 15 million dollars for a state-of-the-art dental hospital in Mulativu. "My problem ish that becaush of thish cricket business I never had time to brush my teeth three times a day. It was more like three times a month. As a result my teeth are in very, very bad shape as you can see in thish picture. Even my false teeth have got cavities...." explained Murali. "So I decided to buy a dental hospital!"

On the grounds that a film produced by Sri Lankan film producer Handagama shows a nude 14-year old the CrazyGovernment is trying to ban the film Minister revokes Public Performances Board's permission for Handagama film Friday, May 5, 2006, 13:45 GMT, ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka. May 05, Colombo: Ashoka Handagama, the director of the Sinhala film 'Aksharaya', argues that the Minister of Cultural Affairs has no right to revoke the permission for public performance granted to him by the Public Performances Board. Meanwhile, Chief Magistrate Weerawardhana also ordered the Sri Lanka Film Corporation to provide copies of ‘Samanala Thatu’ (Butterfly Wings), directed by Somaratna Dissanayaka, to be viewed by the Police’s Children’s and Women’s Bureau.

King Kassyapa Under House Arrest! Lanka Bans Film Nudity Buy..er... I mean by our bum-licking reporter Deshapremi Pagawansa (SCN Punchi Borella 5-5-2006) but promotes Political Corruption, Prostitution, Meat Eating, Alcohol , Beach Boys, Gangland Killings etc (put this in very small print Editor Sir otherwise I am getting killing by the Garment!) Butterfly Without Wings! Sigiriya Frescoes Banned! Kassyapa is Pornographer Shock! No?

Kassyapa Porno Guy? King Kassyapa Produces Nasty Nude Film Shock! Naughty Sigiriya! Above: Nasty nude still picture of a female person from an ancient film produced by King Kassyapa. CLICK ON IMAGE to read all about King Dathusena as well(also known as Faleel of Katukurunda!) A Sri Lankan Plastic Surgeon Writes: Thish womans breasts are not right! They defy gravity. I can only speculate that King Kassyapa was a good Plastic Surgeon and no doubt was the first person to dishscover..er..I mean ..discover... Silicone! Hic! Give me a large double Arrack with plastic...er I mean ice!  Lolita was a old woman shock! LOL ita! Today, a guy by the name of Vladimir Nabokov admitted that his book Lolita was based on a 63 year old woman and not on a 14-year-old girl. Nabakov spent the last 20 years of his life in Bogambara Prison, Sri Lanka (Is that right? - Ed)  Lolita from the 1960s version Today in its great wisdom, the Garment of the People's Democratic (Democratic? - Ed) Banned a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very wediwela, nasty film which shows a twelve year old child without clothes this being in a poor country where only the Colombo Seven types can afford nice clothings in the Colpetty area and those aiyo nice shops where only my sister Shirani can do the shoppings? No? and any clothes that we make in our Garment Factories are exported to Capitalist Countries and the poor peoples of Mahiyangana, Bintenna, Uraniya, Galenbindunuwewa and even Kelaniya go without clothings. Why the fuss aney? Didn't this film producer chap pay enough bribes. Please President Sir! Moustache Sir! Thish is a Sinhalese South (You mean Southern?- Ed) Man Trying to make living No? Please intervention...er intervene and stop this idiocy....Ahhhh! I am getting the killings! Aiyo! Aney Apoy Why? Readers write (in bad Ingrishy): I do strongly disagree on ban of ‘AKSHARAYA’. This is a violation of my human right. I want to see the film what I want to see. Chief Mag Wants To Watch Dirty Film Free Shock!: ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka. May 05, Colombo Chief Magistrate Weerawardhana also ordered the Sri Lanka Film Corporation to provide copies of ‘Samanala Thatu’ (Butterfly Wings) Not On other pages Politician Does Not Rape and Kill Woman Politician Refuses Bribes Crime Rate Drops by Ten Percent at 3am every morning! Lanka Bans Meat Eating! (But allows export of meat) Lanka Bans Alcohol (Except in bars and hotels frequented by Politicians)

VOL 5 NO 2 Flag Burning Issue 11th Feb 2006
Matterhorn Breaking News! Eelamista Terrorists Buy Mountaineering Gear Shock! by our corr. Chinthana Rajappah in Geneva (SCN 12-02-2006) Emerging reports suggest that the Tigers, having misunderstood the expression "Summit Talks" are preparing themselves for an ascent of the Matterhorn. Thinking that the talks will be held on top of the mountain in Switzerland, the Tigers have ordered ropes, ice picks, tampons (Shouldn't that be crampons? - Ed), thermal underwear and goggles. What a bunch of morons, no? Toon of Prophet Mahinda Rajapassa Cartoons: Thousands Burn Crazylanka Flag by our corr. Gafoor of Baseline Road (SCN Punchi Borella 10th Feb 2006)
There were widespread protests in Rajapassapura, the capital of Sri Lanka, when hundreds of thousands of supporters (actually two!) burned Crazylanka flags in protest against the publication of cartoons of The Prophet Mahinda, who happens to be Presidente of Crazy...er...Sri Lanka. Burning bright! Earlier, Crazylanka had published cartoons of the Prophet in their publication The Daily Pol-Thel. It is generally understood that only flattering cartoons of the Prophet Mahinda can be published and only in the state controlled media. "We will burn any flag that we can get our hands on! We have burnt the flags of Denmark, Estonia, Latvia, Tokelau, Bolivia (Bolivia? Surely some mistake? - Ed), Ethiopia, Burkina Faso and even a stamp-sized flag of Ajerbaijan!" proudly said one protester. "We need more flags! The Garment should provide every household with flags to burn. I have a lazy husband and three children to support. How can I buy flags? " said R. M. Kumarihami of Modera. It is understood that a consignment of Danish flags as well as American flags are still being held up at the Port of Colombo Click banner above for the offending cartoons!
Heartbreaking News!
Old Woman Forced To Hand Back Property Today an old destitute woman by the name of Chandralatha Bandarani Kumaritunga who was once the President of a small Portuguese colony by the name of Ceylan or Sri Lan was asked to hand back her rightful inheritence. This amounted to 285478945.2 Hectares of prime land which will now be handed over to the present incumbent .....
Free Gift From Crazylanka: Cut out and burn a Danish flag!
				Free Gift From Crazylanka! Cut out and burn a Danish flag! Normally, a Danish flag would cost hundreds of Dollars but we are happy to give them away free. Simple! Print the flag left, cut out and apply lighted match. Do not try this indoors and children should be suitably indoctrinated....er supervised at all times. A simple match would do. Do not use expletives...er explosives! Absolutely no risk of peanut allergy!
Other News America to develop flame-proof flags Fed up with American flags being burnt around the world America said it was developing flame-proof flags of the Stars and Stripes.... Denmark To Change Flag As a result of widespread burning of Danish flags Denmark is to change its flag. It is thought that the image of the cross as seen in the design has incensed a lot of anti-Christians. The cross is to be replaced by the image of a pint of Danish beer... Please Help! I am Chandrani. I lost my husband in tragic circumstances and I have three children. I need money to educate them in London. The cruel Garment of the Dictator Moustasché Rajapássa has deprived me of my birthright. I have lost my property. Send money! Box: 1956

VOL 5 NO 1 New Mahinda Christian Era Issue 18th Jan 2006

Peace Talks Where? By Simon Gardner COLOMBO (Reuters) Government officials have said they are willing to be flexible on the choice of a venue, whereas the Tigers are insisting on Oslo. Solheim said the venue was not a major issue, but what the two sides would discuss was. "If they want to meet in Kilinochchi, if they want to meet in Colombo, if they want to meet in Tokyo, Bangkok or in Europe, even if they want to meet on the moon, we are ready to assist them in that. "I will ask the Americans if they can provide the equipment to meet on the moon."

El Presidente Appreciates Cartoons Shock! Expressing his deep sorrow at (cartoonist) Wijesoma`s death, the President said his cartoons `were always a pleasure to see even to those who were the victims of his good hearted lampooning`.

Temple in upheaval over Sri Lankan First Lady's faith (Rediff India LINK)January 17, 2006 Less than three weeks after Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapakse prayed at the Sri Krishna Temple at Guruvayoor, Kerala, the temple authorities have posed a question to the state government: Is the president's wife, Shiranthi Rajapakse, a Christian?

Hindu Temple Runs Up Cleaning Bill Shock! by our corr. Shri Muruga Vadivellu of SCN Velvettiturai (near Wellawatte, Colombo, Sri Lanka) 16th Jan 2006 Today a small insignificant Hindu temple in a slummish part of South India was forced to hire contract cleaners because a lovely Sri Lankan female and ex- Beauty Queen by the name of Shri-anthi ( or is it Shira-Aunti?) entered the temple with the main problem being that she was married to a Buddhist moustache attached to the upper lip of a bit-part Sri Lankan actor who happened to be the former Pry Minister now turned President of a small island called Sri Lanka and Hindu traditions are against the ex-Christian wives of hideousely moustached Sri Lankan actors from entering the temple precincts (That was a long sentence Editor Sir!) It is generally understood that this is a mud slinging champagne...er...campaign against the Glorious Sri Lankan Bit Part Actor....(That'sh enough!-Ed) Coming soon!: El Presidente Moustache Launches Foul Mouthed Tirade Against Journalistos! (Expletives Included!) (Shurely Deleted? - Ed)

Other News Christian? or Convent Girl? Prabhakaran is a Christian Shock News emerging from the Crazy Republic of Eelam indicates that El Supremo Moustache Velupillai was born in Wellawatte and attended a convent where he was forced to wear pink frilly dresses by Sinhalese Christian nuns. Since then his behaviour, understandably, has been unacceptable and erratic but was not recognised as such until the Americans decided that he was socially unacceptable and that he should be tried for something or the other together with Saddam Whatsisname etc. This explains his problems as well as the Americans' problems.......we hope! Kaha Watura or Savlon™? Temple of the Tooth to ban Christians shock! Today the main custodian of the Temple of the Dentures, Kandy, Sri Lanka - a clown by the name of Udugampola - announced that henceforth Christians and other non-Buddhists will be banned from the temple. Savlon? "Everytime a Christian enters the temple we have to wash down the premises with 'Kaha Wathura' (Turmeric water or Savlon™). Thish is OK as long as they can pay...er...contribute to the Temple in Dollars. What we don't want is this Sri Lankan fisher-folk type low country smelly Christians from entering the Temple. We don't mind fat Americans in Bermuda shorts with knobbly knees as long as they cover their legs and other exposed parts with Dollar notes!" He Buddhist? No! Founder of JVP was a Catholic Shock! by our corr. Fidel Castro Weerawansa (SCN Havana, Cuba) News emerging from Cuba, Argentina and Bolivia indicated that the founder of the Sri Lankan Revolutionary (Ha! Ha!) Party, the Jathika Violent Party (JVP) was actually a Christian and a Catholic! Argentinian authorities today confirmed that Dr. Ernesto 'Che' Guevara de la Sereña was actually Baptised and is/was therefore a Catholic.

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