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VOL 4 NO 20 New Mahinda Chinthana Era Issue 28th December 2005

Famous actor MGR who acted in the film "High Noon" High Noon: Bit part actress insults Great Actor and El Presidente. by our corr. Thiruchelvam Unpronouceable-tamil-name-raja of SCN Tamil Nadu (29-12-2005) High Noon: Today a bit part actress by the name of Jayalalitha (right) living in the slums of Tamil Nadu spurned the advances of the famous actor Mahinda "MGR" Rajapakssa. Rajapaksa (leftist) has acted opposite famous film legends such as Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn and Chandrika Bandaranayake and is a well known figure. A legend in his own time he is at present playing the part of El Presidente Mustachio and merely wanted to say hello to Jayalalitha. MGR's next major film production is a comedy titled "Mahinda Some-chinthana-thing-or-the-other" Famous actress Marilyn Jayalalitha

Lankan Woman Visits India But Not Buy Sari Shock by our corr. Tsunamini Wijedasa (SCN Punchi Borella 28-12-2005) Shiranthi accompanied by a moustache Today a woman, apparently of sound mind, visited India with her husband but shockingly did not buy any saris! The lady identified as a Mrs Shiranthi Rajapakssa, was on a State Visit to India and was accompanied by her husband who has a moustache. Generally, Sri Lankan women visiting India come back with loads of saris but this lady did not visit any sari shops. Aiyo Why Aney? Said Manamohan Mottalal of Chandi Chowk, New Delhi: "Thish is very, very disastrousness for me! Oh dearie me! My best customers are Sri Lankan ladies. My business depends on them. I am so distressed I think I will kill myself!"

Other News

Amphibian Anura Is A Frog Shock! Sri Lankans of all walks of life were shocked today to find out that Anura "Airport" Bandaranayake, former Foreign Minister and brother of El Presidente Chandrapala is a frog. Loads of people doing a Wikipedia search using the search word Anura were shocked to find the beloved minister described as a frog (click link) and suggested that Wikipedia should be taken off the web. Others however pointed that the slimly built minister has always had the charm of an amphibian...... Minister Joseph Shot Dead On Christmas Day In Sri Holy Land! A man identified as Joseph was shot dead in a manger on Christmas day in a town not called Bethlehem but known as Batticaloa. Mary and Baby Jesus are thought to be fleeing to Egypt to escape the blood-thirsty King Herod who has put a price on Jesus's head. The country, Sri Holy Land is gradually descending back into anarchy and civil war...

Sri Lankan Woman Claims "Most Mispronounced Name" Title! Today, a woman of Sri Lankan origin domiciled in New Zealanthaya claimed to have the Most Mispronounced Sri Lankan Name! The woman, whose identity is being kept a secret and whose real name is Asoka Bandaranayake Gampolage is also known as : Akosa, Aska, Ass, AssKoka, Asko, Soka, Sok, Asocks, Socks, Socky, Asokee, Asocky, and that is only her first name! MORE NAMES

Lankans Buy Up Bathtubs! There was a sudden shortage of bathtubs in Rajapakssapura, capital of Sri Lanka due to panic buying. With a bloodbath imminent locals were said to be buying up bathtubs in readiness.....

VOL 4 NO 19 Election Results Issue 18th November 2005
President's Seal Spot The Difference! President's Office Copies Crazylanka Logo! Today the prestidigitous office of the President of Sri Lanka unveiled the new President's Seal of Office which by a remarkable coincidence resembles the prestigious, world-reknown Crazylanka™ logo (which by the way, is copyright! Thatsh what the TM bit stands for! Got it?). We however understand that the new Presidente is a fan of Crazylanka, The Number Two Crazy Sri Lankan Site on the web and we are flattered! We therefore will not be fighting a copyright theft war with the President's Office! But do watch it, sunshine!.. ('Toon on the right: Daily Mirror) Crazylanka Logo
El Presidente Moustachio! Shaves Off Rani! Renames country! By our corr. Jathika Helakarumawansa (SCN Rajapassapura 18-11-2005)
Man Reads Newspaper Shock! (Pic: Anuruddha Lokupukaarachchi, with apologies!) New Sri Lankan Travel Guide Published! Today, a new travel guide book for the newly re-named Crazy Republic of Sri Moustaschistan appeared on the market. Published by Jetlag Travels this is the definitive guide. (Click image) Our own guide to the old Crazy Republic is HERE Job Vacancies A vacancy exists for the post of Pry Minister for the newly created Crazy Republic of Sri Moustachistan. Should be prepared to take up post immediately. Must be Sinhala Buddhist. No Bandaranayakes please. Ability to sign name preferable but not essential. Box 2264 Urgently required. The United National Party is in dire straits (and we are not talking about the pop band of the same name!) A vacancy might arise in the near future for one Leader of the opposition. Must be UNP. Need to own a spinal column. Box 5432				Today the Crazy Republic of Sri Moustachistan was not shaken to its foundation when a moustache beat a nice hair-do to become the President. This is the first time in the history of the Glorious Republic (Surely, Crazy Republic?-Ed) that a moustache has become President. The stock market plunged and people started throwing away their razors. Rani Wickremasingho, the loser, announced that he was going to grow a moustache as well. Political Pundits took this as a sign of cooperation between the two political rivals. Get Priorities Right! El Moustachio's first priority would be to re-name the country as the Glorious Republic of Moustachistan and the capital to Rajapassapura. The airport also needs to be re-named. Sunshine! Following the election of the new Glorious Leader the sun was seen to shine in the skies over Sri Lanka which only happens when a Glorious Leader is elected. People still remember that when Rani was Pry Minister it rained all the time. Aiyo! Those days? Neda Aney? Other News Happy Birthday!: Moustache is 160 years old today. Unconfirmed reports from the totally unreliable State run media indicated that todayn 18th of November, was actually the 160th birthday of the Moustachio. Happy Birthday! Stalin and Hitler Both Had Moustaches Shock: Confirmed reports from the Second World War indicate that Stalin and Hitler both had moustaches! Churchill didn't have a moustache. SHTOCK MARKET EKA Sri Lanka Stock Prices::::::::::::: United Mango Corporation. -20,......... Beliwatta Beli Corp. -43,....... Distillery Corp. + 250,...... McMalupaan Corp. -467,....... Panchikawatte Hubcaps Corp. -35, .........Smelly Mangrove Hotel Corp -45..........Sri Lanka Shtock Market Crashes Following Election of a Moustache! Shock!
NEW IMPROVED! Chapter Two is here! Satire is funny, mud-slinging is not. We advocate satire - Crazylanka

VOL 4 NO 18 Election Issue 14th November 2005
LATEST ELECKSHUN RESULTS: Dayananda 50% Crazylanka 45% Others 3% Dead 2%...the other Bozos like Ranil and that ghastly moustache Mahinda, the Pol-Pots and those idiots in Vanni have done very little for the country! So why vote for them! Vote Crazylanka!
Bonnie and Clyde! (aka Shirani and Mahinda the "Moustache", once a walk-on part actor in Srilankan films)			Two Suspect Men (And Two Women) Vote at Election! Shock! By our corr. I. O. Sirisena of Pamankade, Kirillapone (SCN 17-11-2005) Today there was widespread shock in the CrazyRepublic when two men and their wives actually voted at an election! In a country which rivals the Banana Republic of Bolivia in having so many elections in so many years the Crazy Republic excelled itself today! Instead of sorting the Socio-Political (thats'sh a big word!) problems the crazy guys who run the country decided that they needed another election. ***** In the meantime the Police are warning the general public not to approach these Politicians who are believed to be highly dangerous! If any one spots the two Bonnie and Clyde couples they should immediatly phone the Police!	Clyde and Bonnie! (aka Maithree and Ranil "that boy" Wickremasingho, the guy with the idiotic hair-do)
LAST MINUTE ELECTION CRAZYNESS! Will it be El Moustachio or The Rani? Either way the CrazyRepublic is in deep shit! Vote For Dayananda! The Eleckshun Commisshuner! He is the only independent, non-aligned, non bum-licking, non-bribe taking person in the whole country! VOTE FOR DAYANANDA!
Astrologers Predict: New President Will Be A Man Shock! by our correspondent Deshapremi Boruwansa (SCN Punchi Borella 14-11-2005) Today astrologers in the Crazy Republic of Sri Lanka predicted that the new President will be a man! This came as a surprise to most people who have lived under the Iron Rule of the Iron Lady Mrs Chandrika Thatcher (Surely shome mistake?- Ed) during the last 100 years and expected another woman to success...er succeed her. Both women! Political experts however point out that this can't be correct because both Presidential candidates are women although one does sport a hideous moustache....(more later when our corr. is released from Police custody-Ed)
Other News Lorenzo de Almeida arrives in Colombo to celebrate 500th anniversary of the arrival of the Portuguese.
NEW IMPROVED! Chapter Two is here! Satire is funny, mud-slinging is not. We advocate satire - Crazylanka

VOL 4 NO 17 Pre-Election Issue 5th November 2005

New Tourist Attraction: Colombo Niagara Falls!

NEW IMPROVED! Chapter Two is here! Satire is funny, mud-slinging is not. We advocate satire - Crazylanka

Updated: 12:39 AM EST Presidential candidate says he will give a cow to every Sri Lankan home if elected COLOMBO, Sri Lanka (AP) - A wealthy Sri Lankan presidential candidate said he will use his personal fortune to buy a cow for every home if he is elected. "Every Sri Lankan home will be gifted with a high milk-yielding cow from (the Indian state of) Kerala which could be expected to yield 10 liters (2.5 gallons) to 16 liters (four gallons) of milk every day," Victor Hettigoda was quoted as saying by The Island newspaper on Friday. "Even families who live in flats, who could make suitable arrangements to look after a cow, will receive a gift of cow," he was quoted as saying. Election Promise: Cowdung In Every Household! Gas Crisis Averted! Sri Lanka Produces More Pre-Election Gas Than The Bolivian Gas Fields! What a load of Bullsh*t! By our corr. Ernesto "Che" Wijeweera (SCN Punchi Borella, 5th Nov 2005) Today a crazy presidential candidate of the crazy republic promised an unending supply of cowdung for every household. "Since cowdung is a good source of Methane every household will have a free gas supply." said a spokesperson who declined to identify himself but was speaking from the Mental Hospital at Mulleriyawa. Mrs. Lalitha Elawansa who lives in the Bambalapitiya Flats said "I can easily keep a cow on my balcony! She can come and go as she pleases! Afterall, cows can jump over the moon. Hey Diddle Diddle, the cats and their fiddles... The mad cow jumped over the moon. The common man laughed to see such fun and the losers ran away with their loot!". Butcher Abdul Bul-Bul Gafoor of Dematagoda however immediatly plans to slaughter the cow and make a quick profit by setting himself up as a butcher. Meanwhile, not to be outdone Mahinda Rajapassa offered a free Anura Bandaranayake to every household. Anura is a major wind producer in Sri Lanka. There were no takers! We Told You So! More Breaking Wind: Wind could solve energy crisis in Sri Lanka Residents of Sri Lanka previously experiencing power cuts due to the unsustainability of current power supplies are now looking to wind for relief. FULL STORY A major source of Methane! Global Warming! An expert Vet Writes: Generally speaking Elephants produce more dung than cows and are a better source of Methane. Do not believe this promise of free cows. It is a load of bullshit! It is the work of Rupavahini and the Garment controlled Department of Misinformation. The UNP can supply elephants. Vote for the UNP! More Election Promises! Daily Pol-Thel Special Election Feature: HOW TO WIN VOTES Spot the difference! No: 1 How To Win the Army Votes so that we don't have a post election Army Coop...er Coup! (Shorry, Editor sir) (Next: How to win the Tamil votes) WARNING: This site is NOT recommended by Roopavahini The Budget Promises: (or It is a Promising Budget! Gettit?) Increased salaries to everyone including those without jobs. Living allowance of One Million per family (In Turkish Lira) Free alcohol for all undergraduates. Free travel on trains when trains are on strike. One bundle of Mukunuwenna for every household. Free! One Sri Lankan flag free per family. Advertisement Crazylanka Election Results Kit One radio tuned to BBC One Sattelite dish (does not tune into Rupavahini) One bottle Arrack One electronic calculator (batteries extra) One hand grenade PRICE: $ 995.82 From Kapruka (see main banner) FREE WITH EVERY ORDER: New SriLankan Nursery Rhymes on CD RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES Track 1 Hey Diddle Diddle, the cats and their fiddles... The mad cow jumped over the moon. The common man laughed to see such fun and the losers ran away with their loot! Anon The Crazylanka Election Manifestation! Crazylanka Promises: Free humour Free satire Free crazy pics Free ads Free Prozac Free Drunken Idiocy Free freedom of speech! Vote For Crazylanka! Other Possible Presidential Candidates...(we hope!) Above: (Left to Right) Miss Ayobowan Airlankanee, Mr. Mendis Special and the Rata Yakata Giyawe Party Candidate. Above: The lovely Miss Davinia Mountlavinia Presidential Candidate on the Beach Party ticket

VOL 4 NO 16 Boxing Fixture Issue 27th August 2005
NEW IMPROVED! Chapter Two is here! Satire is funny, mud-slinging is not. We advocate satire - Crazylanka Mahinda Meets Veddha Chief! Crazylanka Photo Feature! More photos will appear here in the run up to the election
Colombo Internatonal Airport - Possible venue for talks Wednesday, 7 September 2005 - 8:57 PM SL Time With the government refusing to hold talks in Killinochchi or at a venue outside Sri Lanka and with LTTE`s repeated preference for Killinochchi or a venue outside Sri Lanka , The Norwegian government has decided to take a flight of fancy by suggesting , the Colombo International Airport as the venue for talks between the two parties. Breaking Knews! Norwegians Trying To Poison Peace Talk Delegates With Airport Food! By our corr. Roopa Vahini (SCN 7-9-2005 reporting from Anura Bandaranyake Airport) In a shocking uncalled for suggestion the nasty Viking Norwegian Idiot Peacemongers made an infamous suggestion that the Peace Talks should be held at the Katunayake-Bandaranayake airport near Negombo. This is a particular insult to Sri Lankans including the Tamils. No one in their right mind goes to this airport except to get out/get in to the country! Being incarcerated in this airport for hours on end and forced to eat the airport food is thought to be the main cause of....etc (Will that do Editor sir?)
Chandrika™ End of an era?			WARNING!: 'Chandrika™' Product Recall! Today it was announced that all packages, cans and jars of the well-known Sri Lankan product "Chandrika™" will be out of date by the end of November 2005. Most people had known this to be the case for some time but there had been rumours that the product would be safe until Nov 2006. It now appears this is not so. This recall came as a result of forensic examinations carried out by Chief Analyst Sarath Silva ('Sarath Aiya'). Anyone who still has unused Chandrika™ at home are asked not to open the packages but return them to where they bought them. Your statutory rights are not affected. In most cases we will refund you. Please produce triplicate copies of the reciept signed and attested by a Justice of the Peace. Please do not throw unused cans of Chandrika™ on rubbish tips!	Chief Analyst Sarath Aiya
They Are Off! (Yesh! they certainly are off!) Lightweight Bout To Be Held In Sri Lanka! by our corr. Mike Tysonsinghe (SCN Punchi Borella 27-8-2005) Today there was jubilation in Colombo, the capital of Sri Lanka when it was announced that the World Boxing Association (WBA) Lightweight bout was to be held in Sri Lanka. The Contenders are Mahinda "Moustache" Rajapassa and Ranil "That Boy?" Wickremesingho. Moustache will be boxing from the Blue corner and That Boy will be fighting the Green corner. The fight is expected to be close with both boxers in prime form. Earlier there were rumours that a third contender by the name of Crazylanka might enter the fray... There was also widespread confusion about the date of the match but the Referee, Chief Justice Sarath Aiya, decided that the former champion Chandrani was well past her Best-Before-Date.... Public Announcement: Rumours that Crazylanka™ is to fight the Presidential Election which were broadcast by the state controlled Rupavahini are totally unfounded. Crazylanka is a totally neutral and utterly idiotic site with no political ambitions whatsoever. We make fun of everything and everyone in the spirit of "Freedom of Speech" We thank Rupavahini for the unsolicited publicity and in return have added a link to Rupavahini from our site...They need the publicity!

VOL 4 NO 15 CBK, the Biography Issue 5th August 2005
Elephant Season Starts In Sri Lanka! Elephant appointed new Foreign Minister of Sri Lanka SHOCK!
President Chandrika Kumaratunga's office yesterday withdrew the 'authorised' status given to the recent biography 'CBK', penned by well-known British writer Graeme Wilson. "The Office of the President wishes to state that the publication captioned 'CBK' which was launched recently is not the official biography of President Chandrika Kumaratunga," a statement from the presidential media unit said. "The authorised memoirs of President Chandrika Kumaratunga are now in the process of being compiled by another author."......The Island (4-8-2005)
Idiot Minister Responsible For Biography Upset Eka! by our corr Tsunamini Wijedasa (SCN 8-8-05) Aiyo why can't these idiot Ministers get it rite...er... right the first time? Whilst some of the usual bumlickin journo types have been falling around the feet of 'Her Maj' Chandrani, independent, free thinking journalist like myself, with the help of Crazylanka, have found exactly what happened Aney! What happened was this: There is this bamboozling idiot by the name of Mangala Something-or-the-other who used funds from official coffers to help the Scottish Idiot Graeme Wislon to right...er...write the Biography of Her Maj. Everything falls flat, and that includes the Scottish Idiot who is too drunk on Whisky to write biographies! What a waste of Time and Money! Read the Crazylanka version! It is nearer the truth! Read the Original Article by Namini Wijedasa
CBK Book Launch Man wears Skirt!? President Chandrapala of Sri Lanka as a baby...			Crazylanka To Publish 'CBK' Authorised Version! by Professor Deshapremi Podujanawardena (for SCN Punchi Borella, 5-8-2005) In a surprise move the office of El Presidente Chandrapala of the Glorious Republic of Sri Lanka denouncing the filthy biography 'CBK' which was published by some foreign Johnny by the name of Graeme Wislon. Thish man wrote an unauthorised geography..er biography..of our glorius leader when I should be writing it. Afterall, I am being a life long supporter of our Glo..Leader! And then his man then turns up at the book launch wearing a Green skirt (Surely, a kilt! Not a skirt! - Ed) with no underwear! It's here! The Autobiography! Not just a Biography! The Crazylanka authorised autobiography of El Presidente will be serialised in The Daily Pol-Thel... Click banner NOW!	Trash! Very, very, very bad book! (Copies available at Kapruka. Click banner)

VOL 4 NO 14 London Curry Powder Issue 25th July 2005
....Urgent Travel Warning For Visitors To Britain..... Shock! Traces of Explosives Found in Lankan Restaurant! by our corr. Ariyapala Windsor-wardene (SCN Hackney Marsh, London, close to Northern Sewer Outfall) Today there was widespread shock and confusion when British Forensic Experts found traces of curry powder at a Lankan restaurant in London. Chillie! "We can confirm that the powder has been positively identified and has been found to contain a substance called Chillie which is a well-known explosive! In large quantities it can explode. We also have information from our Sri Lankan colleagues that this powder is commonly used in bank robberies in Sri Lanka." said a Metropolitan Police spokeseperson.... The restaurant owner was not shot dead...... Banned! Lankan Explosive! Rules Change Brittannia! Banned Until further notice Britain has banned the importation of the following explosive devices. Thish Is A Sherious Warning! Masala Vaddai, Isso Vaddai, Ulundu Vaddai, Sambar, Malupaan, Kothu Roti, Pol Sambol, Red Chillies, Green Chillies, Loonu Miris, Katta Sambal, Chillie Sauce with Chillies, Chillie Sauce without Chillies, Brick Powder, Somawansa Amarasinghe....(That'sh enough! - Ed) WARNING! Garment Health Warning: Chillie powder can cause lung cancer, premature babies and impotence. Don't let others inhale your chillie powder. Read safety instructions first. In case of an accidental spill inform....
Curry Powder Packets Found At Heathrow Airport, London! There was further confusion today when packets of curry powder were found in the rucksack of a passenger arriving on a Srilankan Airways flight from Colombo.... Tearful Dogs! Several sniffer dogs ran off coughing with tears streaming from their eyes..."One moment we were just the collecting of our bags and the next minute the air was full of this nasty smell...!" said a fellow passenger Lalaniya Gangodawilaniya, a fashion model from Uda Pussellawa. "I started the crying! I saw several growing up men crying! The Policemens were in the tears as well" she added..... Suspicious Packet Found At Lankan Embassy! Early yesterday the Police evacuated the Sri Lankan High Commission at 13, Hyde Park Gardens, London when the postman accidentally dropped a small packet spilling a brown powdery substance. Police said suspicion fell on W. Willyong "Appu Aiya", the cook at the High Commission who had a grudge against the Sri Lankan High Commissioner whose name we can't remember!...... Free! Visit our loony collection of news pictures!			Queen Is Owner Of New Sri Lankan Restaurant Shock! The Daily Pol-Thel can reveal today that the new Sri Lankan restaurant in Lower Grosvenor Place (next door to Buckingham Palace) is actually owned by the Queen! Lousy neighbourhood, but Great Food! The Sekara: www.sekara.co.uk Sri Lankan Food

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