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SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the Crazylanka-McMaluPaan Corp. VOL 4 NO 13 Peeping TOMS Issue 15th July 2005 Lanka Man Escapes London Blast By our corr. Chetiya Pachabahu Boruwansa of SCN Haputale A lankan man had a lucky escape in the recent London Tube blast it was revealed today. "My whole life flashed before my eyes when the bombs exploded in London. I must have lost consciousness briefly but when I awoke I was not injured and not covered in debris" The man, R. Saranelis Silva of Haputale, did not even suffer minor cuts from the blast because at the time of the blast, thanks to Divine providence, he was still in Haputale. "I must be the luckiest person on earth" he said. "Even when the 9/11 attacks happened I had a very, very narrow escape because for some reason I decided to stay in Haputale that day!" It was also revealed that when the Central Bank in Colombo was bombed he escaped with no injuries at all as he happened to be in Haputale that day. Fourth Time Lucky! "When the Tsunami struck I had a very, very narrow escape. I happened to be in Haputale and nearly saw the wave in the distance! I have bad dreams to this day. I need Garment aid to rebuild my life" Luckiest man alive! R. Saranelis Silva of Haputale Is Haputale the safest place on earth we ask. Buy property in Haputale Latest: British High Commission Issues Travel Warning! by our London corr. Anthony Blair Today the British Garment told immigrants not to come to Britain. ....Urgent Travel Warning For Visitors To Britain..... British High Commission 190 Galle Road, Kollupitiya (PO Box 1433) Colombo 3 (94) (11) 2437336-43 * The British High Commission in Sri Lanka wishes to inform potential travellers to the UK about the new travel advice issued by Her Majesty's Garment in view of the recent terrorist activity in London. STAY AT HOME! Firstly, all potential Refugees and Asylum Seekers should note that, in view of the present circumstances in Britain, their own countries are probably safer and a better option. As such no asylum seekers or refugees will be allowed into Britain until the present situation has been fully assessed and the country made safer. We expect this to take 200 years.! Please do not queue or camp outside the High Commission. We will look at your applications in strict chronological order and at the rate we get applications it will take us 200 years anyway. Students: Students under the age of 50 are advised to study in a suitable academy in their own country before attempting to travel to London to study English. ! Frankly, most Britons speak such bad Engrishy that it is advisable to learn English in your own country. Students over the age of 50 are advised that ! we are not such idiots. Nobody studies anything after the age of 50. We do not fall for that sort of bullshit and your visa application therefore will be automatically turned down. Sons and Daughters of Politicians: At present most politicians prefer to send their sons and daughters to study in Britain. Indeed this practice first started during Colonial times when the likes of Solomon Bandaranayake studied in Ealing Academy (next to Ealing Studios, both now closed). Until the situation is fully assessed we suggest that politicians send their children to the D.S. Senanayake school or other suitable school in Colombo. You should also note that this will set a good example to the ordinary people of your country. Extremists: ! Extreme Left Wing parties should ! renew their affiliations with what is left of the former Soviet Union. (Ha! Ha! Ha!) Ajerbaijan is particularly recommended and quite attractive at anytime of the year. There is also Kazhanistan and Krygzistan not to mention Norgorno-Bogovo. ! Members of the so called Nationalistic Parties should stay where they are! i.e. In their own country and in the cesspits of their own making! Do remember that throwing petrol bombs at embassies of the so-called Capitalist countries is not going to endear you to our Visa Officer. (continued.... P-TOMS GOES AHEAD! By our corr. Eric Solheimsekera of Oslo Mawatha, Punchi Borella for SCN Today the Norwegians forced the P-TOMS agreement down the throats of Sri Lankans who had no choice but swallow their pride. "Aiyo, who cares as long as we get Dollars!" said Davinia MountLavinia of The Orient Hotel. Earlier some men in yellow robes pretended to fast for a few days but the Garment took no notice.... P-TOMS EXPLAINED Following the Tsunamini Sri Lankans are offered a lot of Foreign Exchange from G. Bush et al with a vested interest. Lankans respond by saying "Machang! Weda hari neda?!" and go on a spree of celebration. Reality dawns when the foreign controllers...er...donors earmark part of the loot for the Tamils. "They buying the weapons" say Pol- Pots and other revolting parties. All hell breaks loose as monks are revolting....er...revolt! Presidente Chandrapala finds herself in a mess. Presidente Chandrapala's Pol-Pot friends abandon Garment hoping Garment will collapse. Garment doesn't collapse! (To be continued....) Did You Know? P-TOMS stands for Post-Tsunami Obliteration Of Marxist Shits (Which is very, very, very difficult to say when drunk...!) Peeping Toms Explained Always men. Always perverts. Usually found at Vihara Maha Devi Park or near Nurse's Quarters at Punchi Borella. Watch courting couples (That'sh enough! - Ed) VOL 4 NO 12 Goodbye, Indian Ocean! 31st June 2005 Latest: Man Wins Contract To Carry Water! New Diyawadana (water bearer) Nilame elected Munza Mushtaq in Colombo, July 1, 2005, 8.10 p.m.. Ratnapura's Saman Devale Basnayake Nilame Nilanga Dela Bandara was elected as the 19th Diyawadana Nilame to the Sri Dalada Maligawa today. The election was held at 1.30 p.m. at the Eksath Bauddha Mandalaya in Kandy amidst tight security (Why security? - Ed) Happy 100th Birthday, El Presidente! The Daily Pol-Thel wishes El Presidente Chandrapala of the Crazy Republic a Happy Hundreth Birthday! Hope you had a nice cake. Sri Lanka To Move Out Of Indian Ocean Site! By our corr. Somachan Somadasa, SCN , Chiang Mai 31st June 2005 Sheltered Position Provides Protection From Tsunamis! Same Latitude but better neighbours! Above: How the new Buddist Empire might look like! (Not to scale) Today the whole World and India especially, were in a total state of shock when Sri Lanka announced plans to move out of the present Indian Ocean site and relocate itself in the Gulf of Thailand in close proximity to the other Buddisht countries of Thailand, Cambodia and Laos. Relocate to Gulf of Thailand "We are fed up with the Indians considering our Glorioush country as a poor relation!" said Professor Jathika Helaurumasekera, Professor of Geography at the University of Yatikinda (Where'sh that? - Ed). "The Kallathonis keep swimming across the Palk Straits and now the idiot Indian Garment is to build a ship canal completely by-passing the Sri Lanka and Aiyo...!" he further added. Whilst this news was greeted with jubilation, especially by politicians who will now find it easy to go shopping in the Bangkok, some peoples were septical..er..sceptical. "Aney! we may be the Drop At The End Of India's Tip but that is better than getting stuck up the Gulf of Thailand! Who wants to be stuck up the back passage of Thailand?" said Davinia Mountlavinia, a lap dancer at the Hotel Orient. "I like Thai girls!" said a prominent fat politician who is named after the airport. "I don't mind moving!" Leave Eelam Behind? There were calls from some peoples to leave the uncleared, Tiger infested landmined area claimed by terrorists to be their homeland. "In one stroke we will not only be forming a Buddhist Empire with Thailand, Kampuchea and Laos but we will be seeing the last of the Thosai eating-smelly Jaffna cigar smoking...(Cut it! - Ed).." said Rev. Narammpanawe Rathanajothi who hopes to open a new temple in Bangkok. Minor Logistical Difficulties "There are of course minor logistical difficulties!" said Professor Helaurumasekera. " First we might have to demolish a few unimportant islands like Phangan, Samui, Chang, Ma, Kut and Singapore in the gulf. Then we need to turn the island completely over so that it will fit into the shape of the Gulf of Thailand. North and South will remain the same but East and West will be transposed. There will be a little bit of confusion at first but then we are used to confusion everyday. Of course it will be easier if we leave all the uncleared areas behind but we have to take Jaffna town and Trinco with us!" How the Indian Ocean will look like without the Sri Lanka! (Artist's impression) Snakes Alive! Political Jungle (Left) A two-week-old Sri Lankan Albino cobra raises its head at the National Zoological Gardens in Colombo, Sri Lanka, June 29, 2005. In April 2005, a female albino cobra laid 20 eggs. 13 snakes emerged from the eggs on June 16, 2005, zoo officials said. REUTERS/Anuruddha Lokuhapuarachchi Reuters - Jun 29 5:21 AM.......Whoops! Wrong captions! Shorry, Editor Shir!(You are sacked! - Ed) (Above) Leader of Sri Lanka's Marxists People's Liberation Front Somawansa Amarasinghe VOL 4 NO 11 The Drastic Diet Issue 17th June 2005 Latest Knews! 20th June 2005 Another Monk Asks For McMalupaan.... and.....JVP Pol-Pots Leave Garment But Not Sadly Missed! Buy..er...By our corr. Weeramuni Wanninayaka wwanninayaka@yahoo.co.uk Todayo, el imbecilio JVP bandidos and señor "Che" Weerawansa con amude vamoss out of El Presidente Chandrapala Pol Thel Republico no causing mucho problemo! Ha! Ha! Ha! Yarriwa! Yarriwa! Just write something like vaya con dios my darling or escondido estacion ferrocarrilles cemeteria and I am running out of spanish words pleeze help! Sri Bolivian El Presidente Carlos Mesa Bandaranayake AFP/Sena Widanegama Donate-a-Grenade Send a Tear Gas Grenade to Lanka! There is a serious shortage of tear gas grenades in Sri Lanka. Please donate a grenade. All major credit cards including Crazylankacard™ accepted! CLICK ANYWHERE NOW! or phone. Coming Soon: Send-A-Monk-A-Dhana Service. Dhana Express™ The Mc Malupaan Corp. of Punchi Borella is to launch an internet based service for sending Dhana to monks in Sri Lanka. Known as Dhana Express we expect to cover most of the coastal belt and Kandy. Send a Dhana and get a Nirvana Voucher™ worth $10 free! Sri Bolivian president plans resignation Monday, June 6, 2005 Posted: 10:51 PM EDT (0251 GMT) LA PAZ, Bolivia (AP) -- El President Carlos Mesa Bandaranayake (Shurely shome resemblance? - Ed) offered to resign Monday night, seeking to quell weeks of anti-government protests that have paralyzed parts of the country. The offer came as tens of thousands of Buddhist monks and looney leftie pol-pots protested in downtown La Paz in their largest anti-government march in weeks. A Bad Taste Advert sent in by a reader and a rather crude attempt at immitating the world famous Crazylanka pictoons. ( Note: This ad will be removed as soon as we get no complaints.) Breaking News: Monk Gives Up Diet! Asks for McMalupaan! By our corr. W. Wanninayaka (wwanninayaka@yahoo.co.uk) Today a monk by the name of Omalpe Malupaan Thero gave up his diet just after two hours and ate a McMalupaan with tomato sauce. He was not suffering from malnutrition. Other people in the country have no food.... Other Famous Dieters Jesus Christ: Once starved for 30days before asking for a Domino Pizza Muslims: All Muslims (except Faleel Akbar of Kalutara) fast at Ramadan (but gorge themselves at night!) Anura Bandaranayake: Once fasted for two hours! Er...That's it!.... Monk Wins Hurdles Championship! A monk jumps over a barrier, Colombo AFP / SENA VIDANAGAMA An appreciation 14th of June is Dr. Ernesto "Che" Guevera de la Serena's birthday Che's beliefs and actions were very different from those of the politicians in Sri Lanka who are using his name in vain. We at Crazylanka salute Che for the great sacrifice he made in fighting the Global Warmongers. Dieting Saves Monk's Life! say doctors Monk Goes On Diet! By our corr. Rev. Narammpanawe "Soda Epa!" Rathanajothi (SCN 6-6-05, near Temple of the Dentures, Kandy) Today, a Sri Lankan monk went on a diet! The poor long suffering hungry starving malnourishmented peoples were very, very unhappy that they couldn't offer him Dhana (alms) and thereby make their way to Nirvana. Karl Marx was talking rubbish and goma when he saying "Opium is the ...er...Religion is the Ganja of the masses!" Poor people in the Sri Lanka want to feed monks. I am not on a hunger strike, by the way! A Doctor Says..... Dieting Is Good For You and The Country! Dr. Prof. Siddhartha Wedasinghe (MBBS, GMOA, Dip.Nutrition Calcutta,) University of Narthupana, near Kalutara. Generally speaking dieting is good for you especially if you are an overfed, fat, freeboarding, bloated monk or a politician or BOTH!. What happens is regularly eating free meals or Dhana causes an accumulation of nasty, nasty things like Cholesterol, Lecithin and Di-Aceto Marzipan in your coronary blood vessels leading to a Heart Attack and sudden death unless you visit me at the Apollo Clinic Pvt. (Katukurunda). I can save your life! Poor people of Mahiyangana, Dambarawa and in the shanty towns of Colombo need not bother as they don't overeat....in fact, they have nothing to eat! In any case they don't have money to pay me.....As for the country, if people who are poor don't eat then the population will... Thish monk is setting a good exshample...

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