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VOL 3 NO 17	Air Miles Special................................	30th July 2004
Victoria's Secret to produce "Jesus Christ" Bikinis Shock!
Crazylanka Launches Bin Laden Bikini! Today the multinational giant Crazylanka Corporation of Punchi Borella launched its latest creation the "Bin Laden Bikini". Manufactured by "Victoria's Rahasa" out of polyester silk with added di-acetyl-marzipan-impregnated-coconut fibre, the lovingly hand stiched bikini.... MORE Click image Stop Press: GOVERNMENT HELPS SRI LANKA WIN ASIA CUP Chandrika helps score most runs! By our sports corr: Pandu Kadulu-rakinna (SCN 1-8-2004) Today helped by the Glorious garment of Chandrika Pol-Pot (although she herself was in Bangkok) the comrades of the Sri Lanka Cricket team beating the hated Onion Bhaji-eating smelly dirty shalwar kameez wearing worshipers of the elephant god......(That'sh enough insults! - Ed) Indians! Jayawewa! etc (will that do editor sir?) (LEFT) The Moustache wins "Man of the Match" award for being Pry Minister for so long when most people thought he won't last two weeks! (AP Photo/Eranga Jayawardena)
Breaking News!:Lankan Minister Still In Lanka Shock! Unconfirmed reports emerging from SCN (31-7-2004) indicate that at least one Sri Lankan Minister is still in Sri Lanka! All the others are now in Bangkok. We hope to track down this sensational story soon. Stay with us folks!
New Ministers Seen In Foreign Airports! Travel the World with Hair Miles™ by our airport corr. Guwangatha Yathrasena (SCN 29-7-2004) In spite the new Parlyment sitting and fighting only once, the new Ministers have all been travelling and using up Hair Miles ™. Even El Presidente was spotted in London where her children go to very very posh school. Why? Aiyo? There are now more Sri Lankan politicians in Foreign countries than in Sri Lanka. Aney! Appoi! Advertisement TRAVEL LIKE A MINISTER! Collect Hair Miles ™ Get Your Crazylanka Hair Miles™ Card Here! Don't Forget Your CrazylankaBank Card! Collect Crazylanka Hair Miles™ here! Everytime you visit this site we give you ten Hair Miles. Once you have enough Hair Miles send us a handling fee of $999.90 and we will send you your tickets. Valid only on Sri Lankan Garment Railway. (Offer subject to state of railway system. Might need to travel on footboard. Stale rolls and sandwiches not included. Toilets, if available, are free. Bring own toilet paper or a copy of The Daily News) Final Call! Recently some unfortunating passengers had to be offloaded when a fat minister by the name of Anura Airport caused utter chaos at London Heathrow Airport Eka. Disgruntled passengers suggested that he should be put in the baggage hold. Metropolitan Police nearly having a rioting on there...er..their.. hands. Finally aircraft taking off with very difficulty. He then spotted in Changi Airport, Singapore! How he get there? Meanwhile El Presidente's poodle "Moustache" has been hobbing and nobbing with the likes of Mrs Sonya Gandhi and Shri Pappadum Chapathishekar, the Indian Pry Minister. Meanwhile the country is going to the racking and ruination and dogs taking over. Mind you with the number of stray dogs we have in the Sri Lanka it is not very surprising that dogs are now.... An Apology: When we said that El Presidente's children attended a posh London school whilst schillions of poor children in Sri Lanka could not even find a school let alone a school with a roof, we were mistaken. We Apologise to El Presidente unreservedly and admit that her children go to a school in a very poor part of Britain known as London, England where there is much hardship. El Presidente also wishes us to make it clear that the reason that she sends her children to this God-Awful dump of a school is to teach them poverty...(Ed) More Sri Lankan Politicians in Bangkok than in Colombo! El Presidente arrives in Bangkok July 29 (PRIU) President Chandrika Kumaratunga arrived at the Bangkok International Airport on Thursday afternoon and was received by the Sri Lankan ambassador to Thailand, Ariyarathne Wijewardene and Mrs. (Mrs? She there as well? - Ed) Lakshman Kadirgamar. Family Gathering President Kumaratunga was accompanied by Agriculture Minister Anura Dissanayake, Fisheries Minister Chandrasena Wijesinghe, ministry secretaries Tissa Warnasuriya and N. Bambarawanage and President’s Chief of Staff and Additional Secretary P Dissanayake. Also present were Ministers Jayasena Pagamaruwa, Abdul Hameed, Premaratne Walnariya, Jayagosh Shabdhawansa, Depath Magamaruwa and an unknown prat Sri Lanka’s Foreign Minister (Foreign! Get it? - Ed) Lakshman Kadirgamar meets with Thailand’s Foreign Minister Surakiart Sathirathai in Bangkok yesterday.(Right) Leaders from seven countries are in Thailand for their first Economic summit, Bangladesh, India, Myanmar,Sri Lanka,Thailand, Bhutan and Nepal, are expected to attend the BIMST-EC summit to build closer links in transport and tourism starting July 30-31. REUTERS Above: Two Thai Government Officials that the Lankan Ministers might want to meet!
Search Engine Optimization and Free Submission USEFUL PLANTS OF SRI LANKA	Buddha's Bikini Apologises! Limited Brands apologises for floral bikini's carrying the Buddha's image July 28 (LBO) Limited Brands Inc., the owners of the famous ‘Victoria’s Secret’ brand has apologised for inadvertently offending Sri Lankans, particularly Buddhist, with their floral bikini depicting the image of the Buddha. Lots of gorgeous women are now walking around without bikinis....(That'sh enough! - Ed) (Left) The Very, Berry, verry nice looking Miss Halle Berry not wearing a Buddha type bikini although it is saffron coloured!

VOL 3 NO 16	Another Funny Election................................	12th July 2004
STOP PRESS! Old Chronic Threatens Webicide! (see below)
Breaking News: Ten People Voted At PC Elections! by our Government appointed corr. Chandrani Horagolla (SCN Colombo, but visiting my children in London. 12-7-2004) In what is considered as a record, today, ten people including R. M Chandralatha of "Temple Trees", Colombo voted/did not vote in the latest Srilankan Silly Election To Appoint More Idiots (SSETAMI). In what is considered to be an utterly silly exercise/great victory a number of seats were lost and regained. The country is still the same though! Pic: Daily News of Saturday 10th July 2004 "Country Not Divided" Claim By People Wearing Rose-Tinted Glasses! By our corr. Rosy Outlookschman of Colombo 7 "The Country Is United" said the prestidigitous Sri Lankan publication Daily Noise, the State controlled arsepaper. Unfortunately, they published a map of Sri Lanka (left) which has a remarkable resemblancing (resemblance!- Ed) to a map published by the hated dark-skinned Tamil bretheren of the North!(right) The country is therefore still intact! Only the colours are different. There is a need to ban publication of all maps of Sri Lanka...er....Eelam...(and you are sacked!- el Presidente) Pic: From one of those radical Eelam sites on the web
Search Engine Optimization and Free Submission	Old Chronic Threatens Webicide Today an old man by the name of Mr Lanka Chronic threatened to pull the plug on his web publication The Daily Hulugalla if the number of hits to his site didn't pick up soon. Apparently, circulation seems to have dropped and is now only read by Mrs Hulugalla . Hulugalla, who is a teetotaler, is 123 years old and is a fossil. ( Joking apart, do visit Harris Hulugalla's Lanka Chronicle for pictures of nice girls and bigotted views! - Ed) Link to Lanka Chronic Great Buddha Boogers hardly temple's favorite pick 2004.05.14 NARA One of Japan's most famous Buddhist temples is up in arms over a company's sale of sweets it calls "Great Buddha Boogers," the Mainichi has learned. Buddhist priests at Todaiji Temple in the ancient capital of Nara got snotty over the sweets, which come in a package featuring a picture of Buddha picking his nose. MORE

VOL 3 NO 15	Damn and Blast!..................................	7 th July 2004
From our archives: Chief Justice Passes Judgement on Himself! PICS OF COLPETTY BOMB EXPLOSION! "I say, my old Tamil chaps! This really is not cricket!" - Winston Churchill Sri Lanka Cricket Cup Not In Danger! A few people got blown up though! By our corr. Norman Puss-Wedillah (SCN 7-7-2004) Today, a bomb blast in Colombo, the capital of Chandrikastan (formerly Sri Lanka) , nearly caused the cancellation of a forthcoming cricket series! But fortunately, according to the prestidigitous Daily Offal, the cricket series is in no danger. Meanwhile about four unimportant non-cricket team people died and about a dozen or so non-cricketers are in casualty. However, cricket is said not to be in danger and the cricket team is expected to make a full recovery. The country is only interested in Cricket! The way they have been playing cricket lately they, the cricket team, should get blown up and not the poor bystanding and uprighting police. No Injuries! Cricketers did not get injured in blast miracle! Heads! No Tails! Aiyo! Appoi! Murali For President! There was some worry that this might be the end of the ceasefire but as long as Murali is playing for the Lions, the Tigers are unlikely to....... (That'sh enough cricket! - Ed) Left: A Commando picking up the suicide bomber’s head (Pic. by U.K. Abeyratne/The Island 8-7-2004) Crazylanka says: Thanks to everyone who sent us pictures of this bomb blast. We do not however publish pictures of dead bodies and especially parts of bodies, on our site. Above: The Queen in a blue sari. Below: The CJ in a red dress. Other news: Meanwhile, back at the corral.....left Truly a champion of the downtrodden masses! Queen Chandrika the First of Sri Lanka with her umbrella carrier (Kudapala). The Queen once famously said "If they have no umbrellas, give them Habarala kola!" The Queens Fat Brother Anura Airport, was spotted at Heathrow Airport, London setting off back to Chandrikastan. The aircraft was observed to take off with some difficulty......! Chief Justice of Sri Lanka was not with a Lady Today the Chief Justice of Chandrikastan, whose name we forget, denied that he had been seen with a woman. In true stand up comic fashion he told his accusers "She was no Lady! She was just my wife" Mrs. Chief Justice was not available for comment! (Rotters/SCN 8-7-2004) Chief Justice Dresses Like A Woman Shock! There was considerable confusion in the Supreme Court of Sri Lanka when a shifty looking man appeared dressed in a wig and a red gown like thing and declared himself to be a judge.... Right: Picture of Chief Justice Sarath N Silva of Sri Lanka wearing a wig and looking distinctly like a woman. He also likes dressing up in a red gown-like thing. He is however not in the company of a woman in this picture...
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VOL 3 NO 14	Guti Kelli Special....................................	11th June 2004
The Craaaaaaazy Guys Are Back!
Other News: Mahanayake Thero Dies. Nobody blamed for death! ......Police Raid Parliament Brothel!....
Minister A Dead Bird Portends Dead Government! Crazy Republic Just Got Crazier! Today an old pigeon called Ratnasiri Wickremanayake, found a dead deputy minister in his hands. "This Government Is Dead!" said the old pigeon! Anney Appoi! said everyone else.... Dead pigeon A brave soldier attempts to resuscitate deputy minister Ratnasiri Wickremanayake USEFUL PLANTS OF SRI LANKA "This pigeon is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, He rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, He's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" Monty Python (Original caption from AFP) A Sri Lankan soldier in Kukule holding a dove to be given to visiting dignitaries. Sri Lanka's military police were called in to investigate the death of a dove which the de facto defence minister was set to release as a symbol of peace during a weekend ceremony, officials said.(AFP/File/Sena Vidanagama) We are not alone in this sort of idiocy. The Americans have, as usual, done it before. Read this: Other News The Patriotic National Movement opened its Head office at No 215/2, Nawala Road, Nugegoda .JVP MP Wimal Weerawansa lights the traditional oil lamp at the opening ceremony. (Pic by D.Banduwardane/The Island 17-06-2004) ‘Mangala’ being removed to safety Policemen carrying a larger than life effigy of Minister Mangala Samaraweera’s during a UNP organised demonstration against the government’s media policy opposite the Lake House yesterday. Protesters tried to set match to the effigy. Picture by U.K.Abeyratne They are hear! ...er... here! New Comic Duo Ray Daniel and Daval Miguel (right) take the country by storm!
Gutti Kelliya In Kotte Monks In Bunfight On Sports Day! By our corr. Devanam Piyatissa, Mihintale (SCN 10-6-2004) Aney Appoi! (more pics) Today there were unpresidented..er unpreceden...er..never before seen scenes of Buddish monks being attacked with buns in Parlyment. It all started when a monk-politician who was elected but resigned but then said he never resigned but then had a court order preventing him from taking part in Parlyment Sports Meet turned up to take part in the sack race which was scheduled to take place after the bun race. (What? Say that again! - Ed) Soda Epa! Monk Takes Medicine Without Soda! (more pics! Click image) Buddhist monks who hold a crucial margin in Sri Lanka's parliament have pledged to work to topple the minority government after two clergymen were injured in an unprecedented brawl in the assembly. Here legislator Kolonnawe Sri Sumangala is given water by fellow legislator monk Uduwe Dhammaloka(AFP/Sena Vidanagam) AFP - Jun 09 12:45 AM At first buns were thrown at the monks which was followed by McMalupaan. Two monks retired hurt. One monk swallowed a Malupaan without chewing! (see pic left) Aiyo! What is this country coming to aney? said everyone in general, but memories are short in the Crazy Republic. Who else would allow comics like the JVP to get into power? World Reacts To Outrage On Buddhism! The Island: "Sangang Saranang Gachchami" It was a sad day for Buddhists. It was a sad day for Sri Lanka. That kind of behaviour would have been intolerable in a fish market. It is certainly outrageous in the chamber of the supreme legislature of the land. Daily News: No physical violence on JHU monks in Parliament. There was no attack on monks in parliament. Two of them tripped up on a carpet and fell. It was the fault of the UNP and Christian Missionaries and Muslims and Tamils and...(That'sh enough! - Ed) Daily Eelam: Ha! Ha! Ha! These Shinghalese idiots! Row erupts over Buddha Conch Shell images! Jun 10(The Peninsula) Sri Lankan authorities are to take action against the commercialisation of Buddha here and abroad in using his image on consumer goods. Recently, the manufacturers of the famous Victoria's Secrets lingerie apologised after Buddhists and other groups protested over a garment carrying an image of the Buddha. Very, very recently some peoples have been exploiting the Conch Shell image (Hakgediya) for their own political ambitions. (See pic left, below) The Conch Shell image has been seen on bikinis, y-front underwear, toilet paper, tampons, condoms, ballot papers, posters... (That'sh enough! - Ed) Blow Job? Idiot fat man blowing into a Buddhist symbol Parliament Sports Results (highlights only) Sack Race: Rev. Gnanaseela (Conch shell), Bun Throwing: Dehapremi Deshapala (SLFP), Obstacle Race: Abdul Hamid (Al-queda, Baseline Road), Girl's 200M: Rani Wickremasinghe (UNP), High Jump: Mahinda Moustache (Yes Madam! Party) Bun Eating Race: Anura Airport Bandaranaike (No Fixed Party), Throwing The Grenade: Somawansa Guevara (Pol-Pot Party), Passing-The-Buck: All members declared winners... Tipsy ministers in luxury parliament brothel Minister of Brothels By Senaka de Silva Police sleuths who conducted a pre-down raid on a high society brothel known as "The Parliment" in Kotte on Thursday had a surprise in store for them. They found tipsy Ministers and Deputy Minister coolly, sipping drinks seated in the foyer of the plush apartment. A buxom woman who ran the brothel and two businessmen were keeping them company. When the police asked the politico to account for their presence in this place of ill-fame, the politicians had glibly replied, "We came for a drink! Thish ish bloody Parliament. We do as we like. Pissh off!". The police duly pissed off. Charges will be brought against the police.... Minister of Brothels, Sri Lanka
POL THEL PICS POWERED BY	NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! Below you'll find Marriage Proposals by our corr. "Kalu Dodol".... The Bottom Line: Tragically and paradoxically it is not the people who sought refuge in the Sangha but the Sangha who had to seek refuge in safer places from some belligerent legislators who went berserk in the Sri Lankan parliament on Tuesday. The Island 11-06-2004 Phil Space  HOW WE LOOKED A 100 YEARS AGO! POLTHEL ARCHIVES We apologise to our readers for the recent disruption to our publishing schedule caused by JVP/Commie/Stinko induced industrial action at Crazylanka-McMalupaan Corp.

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