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VOL 3 NO 13	Country Normal....................................	5th May 2004
PREETHI VESAK TO ALL BUDDHIST READERS OF CRAZYLANKA ONLY!
Nothing Happens In Country Shock! By our corr. Tyronne Fernando, Sekutry General, UN (SCN 5-5-2004) Following the elections nothing happened in the country and preparations are underway for another election. "What we need is regular elections of some sort in this country. People want elections all the time" said Pagaratne Jayagoshara the new MP for Nagas Handiya West electorate. "Not having elections is baaaaad for the economy!" Meanwhile after a short tussle with Chandrapala the Pol-Pots seem to have gone quiet. "That ish worrying" said everybody...Even the traditional May Day Violence was not really violent but consisted mainly of hurling abuse like "Parippuwa!" etc at the Monk-Politicians of the JHU party. Meanwhile the Monk-Politicians of the JHU...(Thatsh enough! - Ed) Pol Pots Marching On May Day (AP Photo/ Gemunu Amarasinghe) BREAKING NEWS: GOMA COMES DOWN IN PRICE! Keeping to its very good election promisings of bringing down the prices of the fertiliser to helping the poor farmers who are hardworking non capitalist aiyo aney appoi what sufferings..(get on with it! -Ed) ...the price of Goma (cowdung, bullshit) was brought down with immediatly effect.....Each family will recieving two and a half bags of Goma every monthly...FREE...and why we paying money for the urea which is foreign urine...you telling me? Truth Is Stranger than.....!....Man Force-fed Cowdung! (Daily Mirror 10-5-2004) Divisional sec. force fed cow dung The Hingurakgoda police are in search of a PA Pradeshiya Sabha member and five others for having assaulted the Divisional Secretary and forced cow dung into his mouth on Friday night.
CRAZYLANKA Presents The Only Englishman Who Can Climb Coconut Trees What's a Mad Englishman Doing Up A Coconut Tree? CLICK IMAGE TO GO TO CRAZYPICS Floods But No Floods! Heavy Rains Lashes Sri Lanka May 5 (Daily News) The Meterological Department yesterday ruled out any possibility of floods as torrential rains lashed many parts of the country leaving many roads and large tracts of land under water.	NEW EDITOR AT DAILY NOISE: SPOT THE DIFFERENCE! Following the recent election Jayasena Dekatanewila has been replaced by Janadasa Dekatanewila at a small media organisation calling itself Associated Newspapers... Meanwhile there have been no changes at the Daily Pol-Thel...we are still crazy! THUGS STILL AT LARGE Thousands of politicians carrying small arms Some 15,000 small arms are still at large in Sri Lanka and about half of them are believed to be in the hands of politicians, a civil rights activist disclosed yesterday. (Daily Mirror30-4-2004) FORGET THE VIAGRA! PASS THE KASIPPU! As we have always say " Anything can happen and it usually does" in the good old Crazy Republic of Sri Lanka. Read on..... Unlawfully Distilled Spirits (UDS), commonly known as Kassippu has been a flourishing business for illicit liquor manufacturers, who have made a fortune from it over the years. The latest ploy they have adopted is to dispose large quantities of illicitly manufactured liquor in the open market by bottling them under different brands of aphrodisiacs. Colouring is added to the brew to deceive the public. While searching the premises for other clues, the Excise men also found 3780 bottles of an aphrodisiac named "Maathroo-Sanjeevani". FULL STORY Tourists Stung At Sigiriya By A Swarm Of Touts Today tourists were very badly stung by a swarm of touts who descended on Sigiriya. Said Günther Volkswagen, a tourist from Germany " Ve vere öne minute admiring the ruinings and ze next minute found öurselves shtung for thousands of Rüpeez!". Ashai Pentax, a Japanese tourist agreed and said "Ah So!". A local tourist who declined to be named said "Aiyo! It was very painfulling!" "Thish is very very baaaaaad for tourism!" said the new Minister for Tourism (who's name we can't remember) "This is all the fault of the previous UNP garment. Most of the wasps were UNP thugs!" The President Chandrapala ordered an immediate investigation.....Chief Inspector Dhatusena Vijithapurasatana, OIC Sigiriya, promptly arrested a few wasps! (AFP/File) Picture shows tourists not being stung as this is an AFP library picture and not a real picture of tourists being stung.... Bribes Offered To Wasps!
POL THEL PICS Another Virgin! Other publications carry pictures of girls. We go for coconut oil! Search Engine Optimization and Free Submission	NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! Below you'll find Marriage Proposals by our corr. "Kalu Dodol".... MARRIAGE PROPOSALS MANGALA YOJANA an occasional feature by "Kalu Dodol" BRIDES. A suitable partner is sought for daughter Govigama Republic, 26years 4'6" tall, utterly pretty, Black Belt in Judo, Karate, Marate, China Footing and Pol Adee. Part-educated at St.Brijjet's, pursuing a career in the Ministry of Education. Dowry - a Mobile Phone and cash - Apply c/o Kalu Dodol to Addin-Aiyya. Angry Buddhist parents seek partner for a slim, bizarre looking unsociable daughter. 28 years, 6'2". Now a final year student in a Tutory abroad. Would prefer a newly elected Member of the Parliament, with equal dim wit. Owns a "Night Boutique" at the Dematagoda Junction. Apply via Kalu Dodol @ marriageprop.com with a recent photograph. BRIDEGROOMS. Sinhala Atheistic parents living in UK would like to introduce their only son with a face like a 'bag of nails' to an unfortunate woman seeking a lifetime of utter misery. He is handsome, 55 years-looks 75, a keen smoker, spending his leisure in Soho. He lives in his own up-market property under London's famous landmark Chelsea Bridge. Apply c/o Kalu Dodol outside Westminster Tube Station. The Bottom Line: At the top of the financial pyramid the money pours in seemingly endlessly; for the folks down the bottom, commissions are the name of the game.- Lonely Planet guide to Sri Lanka

VOL 3 NO 12	Sports Special.................................	14th April 2004
Latest: New Queen Arrives In Sri Lanka Foreign Monks Join Fight! It Is Jihad! Monks Protest Against Monks!
LTTE's flower - poisonous lily AFP[ THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 2004 07:12:10 PM ] COLOMBO: Tiger rebels on Thursday named the poisonous glory lily as their 'national flower' and have asked residents in rebel-held areas to grow the tropical creeper. The yellow and red flower shares the colours of the Tamil Tigers' flag, which has the rebels' insignia of a roaring tiger with outstretched paws in front of a crossed pair of automatic rifles and a circle of bullets. The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) asked residents in rebel-held areas of north-east Sri Lanka to wear the flower on all occasions of national significance. "They also urge everyone to grow the Karthigai vine (glory lily) in private homes, public places, business premises, educational institutions and other places in the north-east," the Tamilnet website said on Thursday. LOONY TIGERS CULTIVATE POISON LILY! Sic Transit Gloriosa superba mundi! by our corr. Muruga Palmyrahnathan of Wellawatta-thurai just behind Savoy Cinema now showing...(SCN 16-4-2004) Above: Gloriosa superba, known to the Sinhalese as "Niyangala" Below: Velu, the Head Gardener of Vanni who once infamously said "If They Have No Ulundu, Give Them Karthigai!" Instead of coconut oil in this issue we publish a picture of Malathion: The Suicides Favourite! Ennadah! Vannakkam.....(Cut that! - Ed). Today the illustrated..er..illustrious?...er.. the Glorius Superb (Gloriosa Superba! Get it? -Ed) leader of The Peoples Republic Of Eelam, Prabha Velupillai ordered everyones to cultivate the poison lily. When interviewed by the SCN Old Mariammah of Point Pedro said "Ennah!? What he talking? How can we make Thosai or Vaddai with that? He must be Sanniyan! What we need is Ulundu...not Karthigai" A Tamil Doctor Writes.... Vannakkam! You know that thish Karthigai plant... or to give its Singhalesh name Niyangala or to give its Engrish name Gloriosa superba (That'sh enough names! -Ed)... is very very very much poisonous. In fact it contains colchicine and other things as well. Many young women eating the plant to committing the suicide. By the way, life not very very good in the North but at least we grow flowers now..There no good jobs for doctors in the North...No private practice....I like to joining private hospital in Colombo...any jobs? A Tamil Chef Writes.... Ennadah! Thish Karthigai or Niyangala plant is good for cooking. First select the tuber part, grind it and mix it with Ulundu dhal. Make into Thosai. Or mix with red lentils and make it into Vaddai. Serve it to the Singhalese...They eat anything...Ha! Ha! Ha!...even McMalupaan!....... Other Poisonous Plants Strychnos nux Karuna: "Karuna Only" A plant that briefly flourished in Batticaloa and now believed to be extinct..exact botanical details not known except that it was another nasty weed. (Unlikely to be related to Mikania spp. "Wathu Palu" also known as "Mile-A-Minute-Plant) Chandrani kumaratungensis: Flourishes on-and-off in Colombo notably in the Beira Lake and has recently choked the Elephant plant...useful as fertiliser..formerly known as "Japan Jabara" Lantana JVP somawansensis: Nasty, loony, Leftist plant..also known as "Gandapana"...i.e "Schmelly Flower Plant" Multicoloured tiny flowers. Colours change. Produce small seeds ("Podi Atta dheka") Grows any where but can be destroyed. Unfortunately can grow again. Elephants can eat Gandapana. Batty (Rath Mal) Weerakonensis (Ixora sp.): Very, very, very, very old red flower who recently resigned from the old Red Party. No longer poisonous..and in fact Rath Mal was never poisonous... Only Botanists will understand most of thish...so don't bother writing to us for explanations! Complaints: If you have any complaints about this article send an e-mail to: nativeplants@botanic.org gloriosa@superba.com New Pictures! Mahindagé Poto Gallery Eka SITE OF THE MONTH Another Banana Republic? Latest: Cricketers demand right to work Flexi-Time and work from home! In a shock demand Sri Lankan Cricket players threatened to down bats unless their demands were met! These include Flexi-Time and the right to work from home. "Why should we be out there sweating in the hot sun?" asked spokesman and famous cricketer Arjuna Hilton Mercedes-Benz. "People of other professions can work from home!.... We also want maternity leave..." Garment Changes Cricket Board! Rules Changed! By our new corr "Kalu Dodol"writing exclusively for SCN The Garment in its great wisdom, having mucked up all the Ministries, has now decided to interfere with cricket....says our corr Kalu Dodol from the sidelines..Read on! Phil Space We apologise for the rather short issue. Crazylanka is undergoing a political upheaval and the regular staff have been sacked following the recent election... McMalupaan Corp to be State Controlled Shock! Although it originally planned for a Sri Lanka Bhikkoo X1, The self appointed selectors decided that all religious bodies should be represented on the National side. A series of Test Matches will be played against teams from USA, Italy, France, Spain, Thailand China and Japan.(those who have no clue to the game). The Selection Board comprises of the present Captain of the Sri Lanka Ice Hockey Team, our new Pry M., Minder Raja-Passa, the President's brother the 'Incredible Bulk'- and a couple of unknown JVP cadres. It was decided that the general 'format' of the rules of the game, be replaced by a few changes, to liven up the proceedings. No Linseed Oil! For a start, cricket bats will be seasoned only with 'Pol-Thel', instead of the Linseed oil traditionally used. The plain large white side sight screens will now have a giant size picture of Kylie Minogue's derriere. The aim would be to cause maximum distraction to the visiting Australian batsmen, by revealing those 'luscious' curves of the Australian outback! (The Buddhist monks have objected to Kylie but are agreeable with a large picture of Fosters Lager. With absolutely no idea of what they are doing the JVP want a large pic of Ernesto "Ché" Guevara) The two Umpires will be drawn from Muslim clerics, i.e. Oshama Bhoondhi and Boutros Bootrus Ali. The third Umpire will be a Hindu Cleric, Haré Rama Krishna Pandhurajan. (To be continued) Cricket Board Introduces New Terminology Garment Gazette Notification No 43-revised. cricket/new 5645(a) of 13th April 2004 The following fielding positions on the pitch will be re-named; Short leg to be known as Kota Kakoola. Long leg - Diga Kakoola. Fine Leg - Maroo Kakoola. Gully - Libb-Bokka. Leg Slip - Lissana Kakoola. Slips - Bundukka-Loos. Unless otherwise rescinded by Special Gazette notification the above will apply to all future games. The Presidency will be abolished. There will be no President of the Board. STOP PRESS JVP refuses to attend Cricket Board Meeting! Today the JVP refused to attend the first meeting of the Cricket Board and instead had their own meeting at Hyde Park. There was no traditional stone throwing... CRACKS APPEAR IN MCMALUPAAN! The New Additive JVP Blamed! Above: Badly baked and cracked New (!) McMalupaan! Check out the Crazylanka Recipe Page The New McMalupaan May Not Last Very Long! Following the General Election and the hasty re-organisation of the giant McMalupaan corporation, it is reported that cracks have started appearing in McMalupaan. "McMalupaan needs plenty of care and attention and needs to be cooked under the right conditions. This is a half-baked idea and heading for failure!" said a cook at the main baking facility on the grounds of anonymity. MSG "The problem is that previous versions of McMalupaan didn't have any added JVP in it. The new version unfortunately has got too much JVP. It is going to be difficult to sell this to the public" At one time JVP had been banned in the country but has recently been reintroduced. "Monosodium Glutamate (MSG, Ajinomoto) is must safer!" said a Garment doctor....

VOL 3 NO 11	Special Election Fried Rice....................................	3rd April 2004
Latest: New Queen Arrives In Sri Lanka Foreign Monks Join Fight! It Is Jihad! Monks Protest Against Monks!
NEW FEATURE: How To Read The Elekshun News! Very Special Final Elekshun Idiocy Issue! We Promise! Election Results from LacNet
Above: What the new cabinet may look like Cabinet Delayed! by our corr. Halle Arrakku (SCN, Maradana tavern 7-4-2004) There was a bit of confusion in the Republic of Moustachistan when Pry Minister Moustache failed to announce his cabinet. It is generally thought there is some sort of backroom bickering going on with the Pol Pots. (You sure? - Ed) Bulk Might Become PM Fear? That was yesterday! Let's be thankful that The Bulk didn't get the job! Worst Fears Realised! Moustache Is Pry Minister! by our corr. Ven. Punchiborellé Deshapalawansa Thero (SCN, Hotel Du Roi, Punchi Borella 5-4-2004) Worst fears of the country were realised today when for the first time in the history of Glorious Lanka, a moustache (Udu Rawula) was declared the Pry Minister! Aiyo! With so many clean-shaven hopefuls fighting to be PM why did Madame have to appoint this thing... The Mousto! (Above) First picture of the new Sri Lankan Pry Minister, The Moustache. (Right) A man called Mahinda Rajapassa who is usually attached to the above moustache! "Are those bums at Crazylanka trying to take the mickey out of me? " he asked when we emailed a copy of the pics to him! There is growing worry that the Moustache might completely cut the Mahinda off! UNLUCKY NUMBER In its hurry to become the Pry Minister, The Moustache didn't realise that it had become the 13th Pry Minister of Sri Lanka! As everyone knows Thirteen is an unlucky number or a "napuru" number! No wonder The Moustache rushed to a temple soon after being dubbed by Herr Chandrapala....(SCN) Sri Lanka Might Become another Moustaschistan Fear! See Book Section below.
Heil To The Chief! Unknown picture source. Not our work. Grow a moustache and a beard Dahling and you'll look lovely!	ELECTION NEWS Moustache Might Become Pry Minister Fear! by our election corr. Fredrick Jansz-Kumaratunga-Wickremasinghe (SCN 3-4-2004) Today there were fears in Sri Lanka that a moustache might get more votes than Rani and become the next Pry Minister. Whilst most people have nothing against the moustache, unfortunately the moustache seems to be attached to the upper lip of a man called Mahinda Rajapassa..... If chosen as Pry Minister, the moustache will have no choice but to bring along the Rajapassa with it! To Parly-ment? CLEAR WINNER EMERGES IN SRI LANKA ELECTION by our special election corr. Chanda-Sekera Deshapala (SCN 2-4-2004 2018GMT Hilton Hotel) The clear winner emerging from the 85th election in Sri Lanka since Independence in 1948 is .. undouted....undoutabubbly....er...undoubtedly..(You got it! - Ed) is non other than the Election Commishsioner Dayananda Dishshanayake who is earning a well earned rest in the Cardiac Care Unit of the...Nashional....... (Pic: AFP) CRAZY ELECTION PICTURES! What the "main" party leaders had to say whilst casting their votes. (We wouldn't actually call the guy in the Saffron colured poncho a "main" party leader but then...The times, the times they are a changing!) President Chandrika Kumaratunga, Premier Ranil Wickremesinghe and the Venerable Ellawala Medhananda Thera, seen at their polling booths in Nittambuwa, Thurstan Road and Avissawella yesterday. Pix by Kamal Jayamana, Kithsiri de Mel and K.G.H. Munidasa (Pictures pinched off Daily Mirror 3-4-2004)
POL THEL PICS Another nice pic of coconut oil! Note the nice curves! 4 Election death count SITE OF THE MONTH Another Banana Republic?	NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! BOOK SECTION Lonely Planet publish a series of good travel guides. Our apologies for misusing their logo... New Lanka Guide Book Out! Today a new Blue edition of Sri Lanka was launched Order your copies from Amazing Dot Com. Other books you might want to order Bolivian Dinapotha by Tylvin PolPot Vanni Diary by Velu (revised by Karuna) How I Attained Nirvana by Contesting Elections By Ven. Punchi Borellé Pragnasheela Thero All About Myself by Harris Hulugalla The Early History Of The Daily Pol-Thel by Crazylanka

VOL 3 NO 10	Final Election Idiocy Issue....................................	29th March 2004
Latest: New Queen Arrives In Sri Lanka Foreign Monks Join Fight! It Is Jihad! Monks Protest Against Monks!
NEW FEATURE: How To Read The Elekshun News! Final Elekshun Idiocy Issue! We Promise!
Constituancy Clinics! Doctors Must Be on Strike Again! The Heavies Hold Final Consultation! By our elekshun corr. Chanda-Sekera Deshapala (SCN 29-3-2004) Today and the day before today and the day before the day before today and ...(Get on with it! - Ed), the heavies in the Sri Lankan General Elekshun, Rani and Chandrapala were indulging in last minute insultings, mud-slingings, Goma smearings, back-stabbings, hitting-below-the-suspender-belt-ings and other Kelli Sellam!. Inauspicious Times..er...er..In Suspicious Times? According to the Elekshun Commissioner all insultings and mud-slingingcations etc. should cease by midnight on the 31st of March. Killing will start immediatly afterwards. However, astrologers predicted that an auspicious time for killing would be on the 2nd of April immediatly after ballots..er ballotings..er.. close. Residents of Udathalawinna are the most at risk for getting slaughtered....Catholic Churches may be burnt after midnight on...(That'sh enough violence! - Ed) Prime Minister Ranil Wickremesinghe chatting with villagers of Palukopiwatte during the UNF election campaign in Galagedera last week. (Pic by Nihal Chandrakumara) The Island. President Chandrika Kumaratunga in conversation with former minister Mangala Samaraweera at the UPFA election rally at Matara last week. (Pic. by Jude Denzil Pathiraja) The Island. Who Needs Doctors When Rani And Chandrapala Can Solve SriLankankind's Problems?
Or in Sri Lankan parlence: "Magey Pol Baya!"	No Two Manifestos Says Crazylanka Corp! Today the giant McMalupaan-Crazylanka Corp. of Punchi Borella announced that it had never published two manifestos. "We are committed to good quality craziness, nuttiness and non-conformity. We always said this. We are not interested in politics but Sri Lankans are obsessed with it that'sh why we have been devoting space to politics in our prestidigitous newspaper, The Daily Pol-Thel. Our thinking has always been in line with that of Daffy Duck" said a spokesman for the head honcho from the corporation headquarters at Punchi Borella.(SCN) Sri Lankan President to make the country self sufficient in Thalaguli Today a woman by the name of Chandrapala announced that in three years Sri Lanka will be EXPORTING (Surely, IMPORTING? - Ed) Rice, Coconuts, Milk, Milk & Honey, Sugar, Petroleum, Karavala and Jinadasa's Thalaguli.....Nobody asked her why she could not do that three years ago...(SCN)
POL THEL PICS Honolulu Baby! Other publications carry pictures of girls. We go for coconut oil! 4 Election death count SITE OF THE MONTH	NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! OTHER NEWS How To Lose Your Money Quickly! An electronic money order system has been launched Mar 27 (Rupavahini) An electronic money order system has been launched for the first time in Sri Lanka’s postal service. This e-money order service will help customers send money orders form a post office to any other post office in the island quickly. ELECTION NEWS Sri Lanka monks add fizz to polls with Coke-bashing Sun Mar 28, 2:32 AM ET HORANA, Sri Lanka (AFP) - Saffron-robed monks are preaching against Coca-Cola and McDonald's in their campaign for next week's elections with a promise to save Sri Lanka's heritage. (Any news about what they think of Crazylanka-McMalupaan Corp? - Ed) Mullah Hakeem Indulges In Spam! Shock! Horror! Yesterday a Mullah signing himself as Hakeem sent spam e-mails in Arabic to all Sri Lankan e-mail addresses. Why a mullah should indulge in Spam™ is puzzling as Spam™ is made almost entirely of pork! (SCN) (Right: Small pic of a tin of Spam™) Above: When Spam really becomes Spam! Election, election , elecksun, eleckshun, monks fighting (you sure? - Ed) election. Crazylanka. JVP, UNF, UNFPA, UPFA, SLMC, IPKF, LTTE, TNA, CWC, LKPF, CWE, JVP, UNF, LTTE, TNA, CWC, LKPF, LTTE, TNA, CWC, LKPF. More election, even more election, more and more election. UPFA. Election. Election. Election. More election, even more election, more and more election Crazylanka..Aaaagh! More election, even more election, more and more election. Pol-thel. UNFPA, UPFA,SLMC, IPKF, LTTE, TNA, CWC, LKPF, CWE, JVP, UNF, LTTE, TNA, CWC, LKPF,UPFA, LTTE, TNA, CWC, LKPF. Crazylanka. Pol-thel.Pol-thel.Pol-thel.Pol-thel.Pol-thel. Valium! Valium! Valium! Prozac.......... More Idiots Thish Time Contesting The Elekshuns Than Never Ever Before! "More Idiots Contesting Election This Time Than Ever Before!" says Election Commissionaire! (left: Laurel & Hardy in "Sons of The Desert" or is it Dessert?) The Bottom Line: The standard of some Sri Lankan driving - above all, by drivers of private buses - has deteriorated to the point where it has to be ranked as a real danger.- Lonely Planet guide to Sri Lanka LATEST: Electioneering Monks Get Jail Sentence! More New Queen Arrives In Sri Lanka Revision Of Sri Lankan History according to MadPage

VOL 3 NO 9	Election Idiocy Issue....................................	21st March 2004
NEW FEATURE: How To Read The Elekshun News!
Latest: New Queen Arrives In Sri Lanka Foreign Monks Join Fight! It Is Jihad! Monks Protest Against Monks!
Vijaya Kumaratunga assassination was a UNP conspiracy (Sunday Observer 21-3-2004) Although the United National Front Government tries its best to foist the Vijaya Kumaratunga assassination, completely, on the Janatha Vimukthi Peramuna, these days, it was actually President Ranasinghe Premadasa who had been behind the Vijaya Kumaratunga assassination, as disclosed by the Presidential Commission report in this regard, according to lawyers. Elvis Presley Killed Wijaya Kumaratunga Shock! JVP Had No Connection With Elvis! Vijaya by our corr. Glen Miller (SCN 21-3-2004) The Sunday Observer's amazing theory about the assasination of the popular actor Vijaya Kumaratunga is all rubbish and cow dung, The Pol-Thel can reveal today. The UNP didn't kill Vijaya. Recently released US government papers suggest otherwise. According to sources close to the Pentagon the Vijaya Kumaratunga plot was the work of the CIA. Elvis Presley was a well known CIA operative and was last seen in the suburbs of Colombo, travelling in an alien spaceship which had been cleverly disguised as a three wheeler.... Elvis
	DAILY POL-THEL EDITOR SACKED! Today the giant McMalupaan-Crazylanka Corp. of Punchi Borella announced that the editor of the prestidigitous newspaper, The Daily Pol-Thel has been sacked because of unbiased coverage of the election. He has been replaced by one of El Presidente's gardeners.(SCN) SUNDAY OBSERVER EDITOR SACKED! Today a small organisation calling itself ANCL newspapers announced that the editor of The Sunday Observer, Jayasena Dekatanewila, has been sacked for biased coverage of the election. He has been replaced by Geoff Bendoverbackwards. Geoff is noted for his biased reporting.(SCN)
POL THEL PICS Other publications carry pictures of girls. We go for coconut oil! 3 Election death count SITE OF THE MONTH	NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! OTHER NEWS Doctors At Work Shock! Today patients turning up at hospitals were surprised to find doctors. A woman from Homagama by the name of Seelawathie had a massive heart attack when a doctor asked her "Mokada Amaruwa?" Recovering in the intensive care she later said "Aney! When I went to the hospital I didn't expect to see a doctor because they are allways striking! I expected to be seen by a Public Health Inspector (PHI) because PHI now gets better salary than doctor...."(SCN) Garment to sack doctors and appoint PHI! Today the Supreme Commander of the Health Department of Sri Lanka said that doctors will be phased out and Public Health Inspectors (PHI) appointed to take their place. "Doctors are thinking they are Gods and always going on striking! " said Health Department spokesman Mr. Christian "PHIs are now well trained and no longer go around inspecting latrines and cesspits! They can do Coronary Bypassing!"(SCN) ELECTION NEWS All The World's A Collapsing Stage... UNP election stage collapses as SB start speaking [17th March 2004 Lanka Untruth] Ambalangoda UNP election rally had (sic!) completely disrupted after the stage collapsed while the minister SB Dissanayake was speaking. Singer accuses electioneering monk of death threats [19th March 2004 Lanka Untruth] Popular singer Champa Kalhari Jayasekera has made a complaint to Piliyandala police that Ven. Uduwe Dhammaloka Thero, leader of the group of Bhikkus contesting Colombo District at the forthcoming General Election from Jathike Hela Urumaya, has made death threats to her. She has stated that these death threats have been made to her as she had stated in a media discussion that her first marriage was ruined as a result of Ven. Uduwe Dhammaloka Thero’s abnormal activities(sic). (Abnormal activities? You sure? - Ed) The Bottom Line: Sri Lanka has many Buddhist, Hindu, Christian and Muslim festivals, and around 26 public holidays a year. A full five-day working week is a rarity!- Lonely Planet guide to Sri Lanka LATEST: Electioneering Monks Get Jail Sentence! More New Queen Arrives In Sri Lanka

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