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SCN, Srilanka Crazy News and the slogan "We weed out the serious news" are trademarks of the Crazylanka-McMaluPaan Corp. VOL 3 NO 8................................................................Bum Licking Issue Picture of Milinda Moragoda Breaking News! Milinda Moragoda Is A Nashty Spammer! Today, and the day before today, and the day before the day before today and..(Get on with it ! - Ed) ...lots of Sri Lankans received unsolicited e-mails from a chap calling himself Milinda Moragoda. All the e-mails start like "Aney, Please Vote For Me!..." He can't even send proper e-mails and is sending attached files! Silly bugger, No? He should be knowing better than sending spam, No? Picture of a can of Spam ™ Poor Girl Chandrani Can't Send E-Mails! SHOCK! A poor computer illiterate girl from Horagolla is finding it very difficult to send e-mails to win election. She is the mother of 25 Milliion Sri Lankan children! Doctors saying she needs urgent hard drive transplant. Parents poor and can't afford treatment. Pleease send money to us care of Crazylanka.......We will make sure she gets treatments...! Coming Soon: Impartial Coverage Of Elekshuns By The Non-State Owned McMalupaan/Crazylanka Corp. of Punchi Borella! President congratulates Murali [ColomboPage News Desk, Sri Lanka] Mar 16, Colombo: President Chandrika Kumaratunga today sent her congratulations to spinner Muttiah Muralitharan on his taking his 500th test wicket. “I join all Sri Lankans today in expressing my pride in a great sportsman like you. May you continue to reach even greater heights in your world record breaking achievements,” she said in her message. Muralitharan became the third bowler in the world to take 500 test wickets. Brown Nosing Time Is Here Again! El Presidente Stands On Her Head To Congratulate Murali! By our corr Shane Warnesuriya, Asgiriya (SCN 16-3-2004) Everyone Jumps On Murali Bandwagon To Win Election! Today her Supreme Commandant Herr Chandrika took time off from work of the state to congratulate a chap called Murali who spends his time throwing red balls at Australians. With the elections just around the corner there is considerable brown-nosing (or to put it crudely: Bum Licking!) in the Rep of Sri Lanka. Not to be outdone the Pry Minister Rani has also congratulated Murali in the traditional fashion by going down on his knees. Meanwhile several Buddhist monks contesting the eleckshun are to hold a Pirith Ceremony to ensure Murali a good afterlife. The JVP are planning to do something nasty...and the TNA are...(Thatsh enough about Murali! - Ed) A Psychologist Writes... In general terms, at times of elections, most politicians suffer from a condition known as Compulsive Brown Nosing (or to use medical terminology, Proctolagnia brownosis) What happens is that the normally aloof and "We-Don't-Give-A-Shit-About-The-Proles" politicians suffer from a transient form of Acute Depression brought on by the realisation that their days are probably numbered. This results in a highly unusual and irrational display of affection towards anybody in the news, coupled with Bending Over Backwards and attempting to worship anything that is capable of casting a vote... Fortunately, for all persons concerned, this condition is self limiting...The general public should always avoid politicians just before elekshuns...(cont on page 922) (Left)Sri Lankan spinner Muttiah Muralitharan (pictured) celebrates after becoming the youngest bowler to take 500 Test wickets. Australia fought back after crashing to their lowest total against Sri Lanka in the second Test at Kandy.(AFP/Sena Vidanagama) POL THEL PICS Another Picture Of Coconut Oil For Your Collection! 3 Election death count SITE OF THE MONTH Revision Of Sri Lankan History according to MadPage Crazy Folk Stories NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! No Rosy Future? Our previous issue on Rosy PLEASE NOTE: Crazylanka wishes to make it clear that our Agony Aunt Podi Nona is NOT Rosy Senanayake in spite of rumours circulating on the web. OTHER NEWS Old Australian Gets 500 wickets! Today an elderly,decrepit, Australian man by the name of Shane Warnesuriya (75 years old), managed with great difficulty to take another wicket bringing his total to 500. Shane, who was not a very good cricketer, managed to walk to the pitch with the help of a Zimmer frame and chucked a ball at the wicket. There was no batsman. He later had great difficulty in getting the cork out of a bottle of champagne... Meanwhile a young Sri Lankan by the name of Murali...(contd p98) ELECTION NEWS Rosy Gets Roasted? President Chandrika Bandaranayake Kumaratunga said that former beauty queen Rosy Senanayake, the present Sri Lankan High Commissioner to Malaysia will be penalized if it was proved that she has taken part in UNF election propaganda without the permission of the Foreign Ministry. (NW) Weera Tyronne Appu Defends Rosy Tyronne defends Rosy Mar 16 (NW) Foreign Minister Tyronne Fernando has denied charges by President Kumaratunga that High Commissioner Rosy Senanayake had come here from Kuala Lumpur and was indulging in party political activity. Crazylanka Uses This As Excuse To Publish Pics Of Rosy! Left: Former Beauty Queen! The Lovely, Lovely Rosy! Our Man in Malaysia! (Shurely not Man? - Ed) Another elekshun death reported! Another e-death was reported by the Sri Lankan media today. See our death counter. The Bottom Line: Annually Sri Lanka produces five million gallons of toddy and seven-and-a-half million bottles of arrack - Lonely Planet guide to Sri Lanka . VOL 3 NO 7................................................................Split off Issue Rani Wears Sari Shock! Animals Run Amok At Zoo! TIGER BITES TIGER! Ennadah! Joint reporting from our corrs. Lingam McLingam (Vellvetithurai) and I. O. Sirisena (Shamrock Bar, Colombo Fort) SCN 6-3-2004 Today a Tiger by the name of "Karuna" (which means compassion) surprisingly bit another Tiger called "Velu" said a spokesperson for the Eelam Zoological Gardens... "These Tigers need to be sheperated!" said nobody in particular but there sheems..er..seems to be general gloating and flashing of teeth among the Shingalese. This is generally regarded as the first instance of Sri Lankan Tigers trying to get at each other..(You shure? - Ed) Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright? Zoo keepers on both sides of the border (including Chandrani the Chief Zoo Keeper) inexplicably played down this incident.....tranquiliser darts had to be used said a vet who wants to remain an onymouse!...and one dart struck a Norwegian tourist in his hindquarters....Aiyo! Ennadah etc!(continued on p78) Felis eelamensis (sub species Karuna) McMalupaan Corporation of Punchi Borella, publishers of The Daily Pol-Thel. A non-political crazy organisation. We make fun of everybody and anything! A Veterinary Surgeon Writes.... The tiger, or to give its full Latin name Felis eelamensis, is an unpredictable, evil-tempered animal who kidnaps its own young and conscripts them into their rebel army in violation of the Geneva Convention. It is also known to attack its own kind in addition to being a danger to humans. This is exemplified by the recent attack by a Tiger on another Tiger in the north of Sri Lanka. What happened was that over a period of time two distinct sub species of Tigers have evolved. The more common type Felis eelamensis vanni mainly dominates the Vanni region but in recent times Felis eelamensis karuna (left) has dominated the eastern part of the island. A few days ago without warning Karuna turned around and bit Velu. This of course is unacceptable to the Vanni Tiger lot. Expect more attacks between Tigers in the near future....The general public should stay well away from.....do not approach...(contd on page 281) Tiger Identificaton Guide by Jim Corbett A former Tiger Probably run over by a road roller... A female Tiger In a classical mating position?... A cartoon Tiger Hobbes of "Calvin & Hobbes" A nashty Tiger Our expert on Tigers... The Crazylanka Corp has been fortunate in being able to obtain the services of the late Jim "Man Eaters Of Kumaon" Corbett. He will be introducing more tigers in future issues until the joke wears thin... POL THEL PICS A rarity! A virgin. 2 Election death count SITE OF THE MONTH Revision Of Sri Lankan History according to MadPage Crazy Folk Stories NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! How coconuts first arrived in Britain TNA election symbol OTHER NEWS Former Haiti Leader Rejects Sri Lankan Offer. The deposed Haitian leader President Jean Bertrand Aristide was offered asylum in Sri Lanka but did not accept the offer- it emerged from diplomatic sources close to SCN. "With an election coming up Sri Lanka is going to be more dangeroush than Haiti" he is reported to have said. Instead he has now accepted the hospitality of the Central African Coconut Republic. (SCN Colombo 5-3-2004) ELECTION NEWS Dead Candidates Allowed To Contest! In view of the fact that several candidates are likely to get killed before E-Day the Election Commissioner is thinking of allowing dead candidates to contest the election. It is understood that this was at the request of the UNF who have already lost a candidate. The Srilanka National Association of Funeral Undertakers (SNAFU) said that their embalming techniques were so good that this was quite feasible. "We guarantee that the bodies will stay in good condition well after the election and most will be able to attend Parliament if elected" said Divangatha Silva of Highlands Undertakers of Punchi Borella (opposite Catholic Press)...(cont on p 23) Dead Voters Should Be Allowed To Vote! Today the National Union of Cadavers said that....(contd on p 67) TNA Design New Elekshun Symbol (left) The Bottom Line: Public parks and the beach stretching from Colombo to Mount Lavinia and beyond are crowded with 'umbrella lovers' - couples seeking privacy and intimacy under umbrellas, beyond disapproving gazes and gossiping neighbours. - Lonely Planet guide to Sri Lanka . VOL 3 NO 6.................................................................Dirty Tricks Issue BREAKAWAY NEWS! Today a Tiger by the name of "Karuna" (which means compassion) surprisingly bit another Tiger called "Velu" said a spokesperson for the Eelam Zoological Gardens... Tiger, Tiger, Burning Bright? Zoo keepers on both sides of the border (including Chandrani the Chief Zoo Keeper) inexplicably played down this incident.....tranquiliser darts had to be used said a vet who wants to remain an onymouse!...and one dart struck a Norwegian tourist in his hindquarters....more in our nex tissue! Bullet proof jackets for UNP thugs [21st February 2004 Lanka Truth] “Sirikothe Operation Room” (SOR) the clandestine election manipulating committee of the UNP has ordered 250 special bullet proof jackets from a leading armament manufacturer in Russia. One of these jackets costs more than Rs.1.7 million say sources closer to Sirikothe and add that they have been obtained to be used during the time of the forthcoming elections. Weapon of Mass Destruction? A word about Pol Thel This is for the benefit of a number of mystified non-Sinhalese speaking readers who have written in asking us what is so funny about Pol Thel. Pol Thel is coconut oil. There is really nothing very funny about Pol Thel. It is however great for cooking and making soap etc...Tamils generally prefer Gingelly (Sesame) oil (Thala Thel)...(contd..) McMalupaan Corporation of Punchi Borella, publishers of The Daily Pol-Thel. A non-political crazy organisation. We make fun of everybody and anything! JVP Admit To Maintaining A False Front! The Pol-Thel Says: We always knew that Weerawansa's beard was false! It is very obviously a "falsie" and very definitely not a patch on that of Ernesto "Ché" Guevara! So there! 2 Election death count Very, very, slippery! Campaign Gets Nasty! by our election corr. Chandadasa Wedithuwakku, Colombo (SCN 28-2-2004) Today in addition to the bullet proof jackets that UNP thugs were importing, a nasty substance in jars were...was.. also entering the country. The jars of this substance Pol-Thel (coconut oil), which contains large amounts of nasty nasty Cholesteroline, bears the name of the leader of the UNP Rani Wickremesinghe! What more proof you need, no? However it has been suggested that this substance might be used for The Oiling Of The Palms, an ancient Sri Lankan election tradition... NEW FEATURES: In future editions The Daily Pol-Thel will carry similar pictures (left) of our namesake, coconut oil (Pol-Thel)...Contributions welcome! Coconutoons™ will appear fairly regularly.... space, time and ideas permitting. We apologise for the really awful jokes and puns! Contributions welcome! Now you know! So! That's what they mean by "Horny Girls"! Pic:The Island 29-2-2004. Thanks to our Far Eastern corr. Revision Of Sri Lankan History according to MadPage TRUE HORROR STORIES No 1 A man cuts up a live artillery shell with predictable results! UXO explosion kills one, injures two in Jaffna [TamilNet, February 23, 2004 18:07 GMT] Vettivel Sivaloganathan, 37, a resident of Gurunagar, died on the spot and two others, Antony Prasanna (22) and S.Johnson (24), also of Gurunagar, sustained grievous injuries when a live artillery shell found abandoned in the Ariyalai-Nedunkulam area in the Jaffna town exploded Monday afternoon at about 12.35 p.m., police said. According to police, the explosion took place when the victims attempted to cut the artillery shell with some weapons (sic!-Ed). OTHER NEWS Woman "Wins" National Lottery Today a woman called Chandrakanthi from the village of Horagolla "won" the National Lottery simply by using her powers as Presidente of Horagolla to take over the lottery. "This was one of the biggest payouts! and it happened Tuck! just like that!" said a lottery official. Chandrakanthi however said "I bought a ticket like everybody else but my time was right..." ELECTION NEWS More Toilets 10,600 polling stations to be set up by Anura Maitipe The Election Commissioner's Department has taken measures to establish 10,600 polling stations and to engage 110,000 state officials to supervise the April -2 General Election, a spokesman for the Election Commissioner's Department told the Daily News.(28-2-2004) This came as good news to the starving masses who always wanted more polling stations. In fact R. Muthumenike of Pimbura asked "Why can't we have a polling booth for every household? Then we could use them as toilets!" The Other Green Party Green Movement urges eco-friendly elections by ANTON NONIS (Sunday Observer 29-2-2004) The Green Movement of Sri Lanka (GMSL) is waging war on environment-unfriendly political campaigns, and has appealed to the Elections Commissioner to take action against those using polythene, plastic and posters in their bid to win votes. According to Suranjan Kodituwakku, Convenor of GMSL, the Commissioner of Elections is vested with the power of police under the Parliamentary Election Act No. 4 of 1981 and can take appropriate action, including removing environmentally-offensive decorations. Tigers Asked To Go Vegetarian Amnesty urges Tigers not to kill rivals in vote campaign Feb 28 (Infolanka AFP) Amnesty International has urged Sri Lanka's Tamil Tiger rebels not to kill opponents ahead of parliamentary elections in April and said widespread human rights abuses during the campaign was a major concern. Tigers, who are normally carnivores are now forced to eat veggie burgers. The Bottom Line: "Sri Lanka is a lovely country but it is full of nuts! and I am not talking about coconuts" Anonymous letter in an American travel page.

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